Ventures Of A Lost Voice

Sweet Misery

2012-01-05T23:05:00.000-08:00

Misery loves company.

Or so they say.

What is not said is that no one actually loves misery.

As I enter these final days of this third pregnancy, I have been reminded of my ultimate goal for this time.

Goal: Do not be miserable to be around like you were when pregnant with Leiahi.

Good goal, wouldn't you say? :)

I knew I was not fun to be around for at least the last... oh four weeks with Leiahi. The trouble was that I did not remember exactly why. I knew I had felt uncomfortable and had lots of "false starts" so to speak. Vaguely I remembered these things. But that is the tricky thing with pregnancy, it steals brain cells.

You remember the morning sickness being horrid and lasting far more than mornings. The weeks of nausea dragging on.

It lingers in your mind that there are discomforts and strange phenomenon occurring with your body, but somewhere along the road, the details become fuzzy.

People usually restrict this brain freeze to labor pains, but I think it covers the broad spectrum of the pregnancy experience.

As I hit the 35 week mark and spent a good part of Christmas day laying down simply waiting for contractions to cease things began to get a bit less blurry. It was not just the emotional start and stop that occurred in my second go round that caused the misery, it was the actual physical discomfort.

If you have ever listened to a group of women discuss a pregnant lady approaching her due date you will be sure to hear one say, "she doesn't look ready yet". "She didn't have the look".

I had the look with Leiahi for a month! No wonder I was miserable.

So, when contractions were starting steady at 35 weeks I nearly cried.

Cue the memories that the hormones have tried to block out. I'd started having steady contractions at 36 weeks the last time and she didn't show up until her due date. Could I honestly take five weeks of this start and stop this go round? Heaven forbid I even let my mind wander to being the dreaded "late" or "overdue".

Add to this lovely saga the comments bombarding from friends and strangers alike about how large I was looking. Hearing that the baby was going to pop out at any minute was cute coming from my 3 year old, but anyone 13 and older should not be that brave or stupid.

This emotional sage led me to hit my blog archives. Going back and reading about the journey with Leiahi somehow helped and comforted me for the season I am in now. God did give me the grace to make it to her due date and I clearly remember the joy that was released with her birth.

Each of my children has been born and breakthrough has followed in other areas. I trust this little guy will be the same. So, I cannot rush the Lord's timing. Instead I try to treasure the last weeks of kicking and wiggling. Even the head turning that stops me in my tracks. Do my best to ignore comments and thank God for a strong beating heart.

Physically I feel like I did before, but emotionally I continue to TRY and chose thankfulness. Keeping my goal in mind I am motivated now more than ever to post when I can. The good, the bad and the overly honest. Because looking back on the truth of my experience with Leiahi is refreshing and freeing. Writing helps to let it out. Very few will ever read this far in any of my posts, but I write for me before any other. Because I don't want to lose my voice, even if it is but a whisper amongst millions of other blogs.

Tomorrow I hit 37 weeks. My baby is healthy. My older babies are a joy and blessing. My husband is an amazing best friend who always has the right words to help me through.

I am blessed and will keep doing my best to not be little miss misery this time around.

Thanksgiving Day

2011-12-10T14:47:00.000-08:00

Our family "attempted" some maternity photos. We had hoped to get a good shot for our Christmas cards. Between poor lighting and kids ready to eat and sleep instead of be photographed, this was our best shot....

31 Weeks With Baby #3

We hope to try and get more pics soon.... just maybe not on a major holiday when we are all feeling so tired. :)

Day #24 - Kona Ohana

2011-11-24T23:02:00.000-08:00

Happy (American) Thanksgiving Everyone!

Hope you had a blessed day full of giving thanks. As a spiritual father of mine said today, I hope you took it to the "next level". That you did not just say "I am thankful for", but remembered WHO to thank.

Today I thank God for our Kona Ohana. That we have family here to celebrate with. It was a fine mesh of culture and tradition all blended into a lovely day.

I am grateful my children sat around a table hearing people praise God for the many good things He's given. It blesses my heart that this ohana is who they are building their own memories and traditions with.

Thank You, Father, for providing the family of Christ. Kumu, the kids, and I are so incredibly blessed!

A couple fun shots of the kids from today...

Keaka waiting for the meal. The long table was the most exciting thing to play under :)

Leiahi really enjoyed her ice cream for dessert. Ha! She was making sure to get every last drop.

Day #23 - Not In My Power

2011-11-23T23:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I was certainly thankful that the car battery decided to die on the campus as I dropped Kumu off today instead of at Target when I would have been alone with the kids.

I thanked God that the double stroller had been put back into the car so I didn't have to carry a child and corral another up the campus hill.

My humbled heart was grateful when I reached the top of said hill :) I felt every pound of the baby weight... haha.

Boy was I glad for the bottle of water I had found in the car since I forgot my usual water bottle at home.

When I realized I had also left my cell phone at home, I thanked God that I didn't need it to pray. I can talk to Him anytime, anywhere.

As my kids happily played with (and lost) bouncy balls for the next hour I was thankful for their adaptability. That they don't get stressed when our plans are changed or that the car won't start, they just enjoy the moment and roll with the punches.

Spending the next two and a half hours playing and learning about God the Creator in Keiki Corner, I was so thankful that we had something fun to do while the car was getting worked on.

My heart was relieved when a friend said she was willing to do the airport run I had volunteered for, but obviously could not accomplish.

The list keeps going as the day goes on. :)

I was grateful it was only a new battery we needed and that the car was fixed by lunch. But, above all, I am so thankful for this journey of thankfulness I've been on. Not long ago something so minor could have derailed my whole day and mood. Now God is teaching me to keep things in perspective and be grateful for what is "going right". That isn't to deny a problem or stop and pray, but see the bigger picture. Remember to stop and say "thank you" to God who has given so much and people who do the same.

Day #22 - Midwives

2011-11-22T08:47:00.000-08:00

I know they get a bad rap.

So often, if I see a midwife portrayed or interviewed on TV, I find myself cringing. It's like a Christian being documented. Why they always chose the person who seems just a little bit "out there" is beyond me.

Maybe it's for better ratings?

You want to shout to the viewers, "We're not all like that!" Or, in this case, "They're not all loopy like that!"

My parents recently watched some random program that showed a midwife on the Big Island of Hawaii promoting ocean births. She wants women to be out deep enough that dolphins can rub up against them while they are laboring, to help promote blood flow and speed the delivery. Or something to that affect.

My Dad's reaction, "I wonder if Melissa knows her?"

"NO! Dad, my midwives are quite normal. That's just odd."

Well, that and a brief lecture on them calling it the BIG ISLAND for a reason :)

But back to my thankful heart for MY midwives.

My choice is fueled with a variety of reasons that I will spare you now, but this will be my third time delivering at a Women's Center that is connected with a hospital. They have an amazing network of midwives whom I LOVE.

Sure they can be a little extreme on certain things, but who can't be? All in all, they respect your decision when you decline to keep your placenta or prefer to not have your toddlers in the delivery room with you. :)

But the calm and wisdom they offer is what makes me love them.

When Leiahi came out with the cord around her neck the midwife just told us "She's already wearing jewelry" and quickly unwound her.

Please know I am not saying that doctors cannot be so patient, calm, loving and respectful of the expectant mother. So many of my friends have had great experiences at hospitals.

I'm just thankful for the ladies who patiently remind me again that all I am feeling is "normal" and "okay". When they share any possible complication it is with such ease that even my mind seems at rest over an issue.

I only pray I am able to share the peace and joy of the Lord with them as they do the calming reassurance of their craft with me.

Day #17 - Don't Quench The Spirit

2011-11-17T22:30:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for so many things...

Thankful that I was well enough to be at the School of Worship classroom.

That Keaka woke up totally healthy and resilient as ever.

Grateful to be getting caught up on my responsibilities in life, and that even includes laundry.

But above all, today I am thanking God for my family who asks me multiple times each day what I am thankful for... especially when I am starting to complain or focus on the negatives. I am SO THANKFUL for them asking me "What are you thankful for Mommy?" when I least want to be thankful. When my grumbling feels so justified.

Thank God I have them to remind me to "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Day #9 - Holy Spirit

2011-11-09T21:42:00.000-08:00

Holy Spirit,

I have been thinking about giving You a public "thank you" for awhile now, and tonight I decided I must.

Maybe my hesitation was due to the fact that I feel like You are so misunderstood. For various reasons people seem scared by You. We often do find the things we can't explain a little bit scary.

Many find it easier to just say You aren't the same as you used to be.

People used to speak in tongues.

Miracles used to happen.

Those are just amazing stories from the Bible.

But I cannot agree with those statements. Not because I desire to be argumentative, but because I know You. You are my dear friend. And just like any friendship, we have our own unique story.

As much as I wish I had known You my whole life, I am so grateful that I did not have the religious background to explain you away.

Of course I love to see You move in power, but there is nothing so sweet as hearing Your voice. I love the times when I awaken in the middle of the night and You whisper something so profound and unexpected. It's almost like You were just waiting for a moment where I wasn't distracted.

And then there are the moments like tonight. When You speak a word of encouragement to someone else that completely wrecks my heart. (In a good way, of course). Giving insight into things they could not possibly know. Mostly, even as they share what You've said, they still don't understand, but I do.

I weep because You are so gracious. The timing of Your encouragement is yet another confirmation that I do hear Your voice. You call me to keep on keeping on. Not to grow weary (Galations 6:9), but to believe that my God is a God who will meet all my needs (Philippians 4:19). Tonight I thank You because I know I am loved and called to believe for even greater things.

Day #8 - 180 Degrees

2011-11-08T22:18:00.000-08:00

To most people, you'd just say things have been challenging. Life hasn't been super easy.

To Christians, we see things a bit differently. We'd say, "warfare". There's been an "attack" against us.

Pretty radical statements when we live in the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Except not when you realize that the battle is not one that can be seen.

Ephesians 6: 12 says, "Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I'm not fighting what I can see... which can be a little tricky at times.

James 1:2,3 tells us to, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."

I wish I could say I am finding these difficulties as "pure joy", but I am not with James just yet. Instead I relate more to Jacob in Genesis 32, and keep telling God I will not let go until you bless me. I wrestle for a break through that I believe is coming and refuse to settle for less than His best.

But I thank God for the changing tides, the turn about, the breakthrough. I proclaim that You have heard and will answer just as you did Daniel.

Daniel 10:12,13

"Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the Prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, on of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia."

Thus... I thank God that He has heard and as they say, "A change is gonna come".

http://youtu.be/aHa096VQ8FE

(Had to look it up because it was stuck in my head.. haha :)

Day #7 - SMR

2011-11-07T23:42:00.000-08:00

That is Self Myofascial Release, a type of stretching that is more like a deep tissue massage.

I am thankful today for SMR.

Amidst being so sick I didn't even realize what WASN'T bothering me; my hip.

It has happened in my last pregnancy and this one, that my left hip will actually start popping in and out of place. It is really quite painful. How painful just depends on what I've been doing that day, but there is always at least an ache.

After really paying attention to the fact that the pain would improve with massage or stretching the surrounding muscles I had a light bulb moment.

Hello, Melissa, SMR.

I was a trainer you know :)

Just because my certifications expired does not mean my education did and thank God for that! Anyway, my education has saved the day.

One time of SMR and my hip hasn't given me trouble in days.

It was painfully worth it as I rolled on a multi-colored mini basketball, which Keaka kept kindly reminding me did not belong in the house :)

So, thank you God for my education which has trained me to do SMR!

Day #6 - My Written Voice

2011-11-06T22:58:00.000-08:00

This blog began back when I felt God speak to me that I had lost my voice. After some time, thought, and prayer I realized He was speaking about my written voice. I had stopped writing and it was time I start again.

Well, I have currently lost my speaking voice. I can sort of whisper, but the more I try the dryer my throat gets and the more I cough.

Welcome to day two of me trying to parent a 3 and 1 year old with hand motions and facial expressions. I kept asking God what good I could find out of not having a voice. Other than realizing how much I talk and enjoy doing so, I am just grateful for my written voice.

So desperate for some "conversation" I actually put the laptop in front of my husband tonight and logged him into facebook, grabbed the other laptop and did the same. He looked at me and said, "are we chatting on facebook now?"

Two days without talking is like torture for me. If you are taking the time to read this you must know me and thereby realize I am not joking.

Thank You, Lord for my written voice. For the ability to use technology for things like this blog or fb chatting someone - even if they are in the same room. I'm grateful, but I'm also ready to have my voice back. I'm ready to be healthy again.

Day #5 - Home Remedies, Modern Medicine & Jehovah Rapha

2011-11-05T22:29:00.000-07:00

Super sick... again.

It has been a long few months of sickness in our family. Someone has been sick in our home for the last two months... at least.

My turn again.

Hence, I am thankful for the "solutions" that I have.

Being pregnant, I am super limited on what things I can take while sick, so I am relying heavily on home remedies. The oldies but goodies like steam, gargling salt water, and the like.

Modern medicine is pretty limited, as I said, to things like cough drops and tylenol.

Above all, I am relying on Jehovah Rapha - The Lord Our Healer.

Yesterday was pretty awful in terms of how I was feeling. I had a fever and chills and was just so miserable. But Our Healer was faithful to lift some of the sickness as Kumu prayed for me.

It is the only time I have ever experienced an automatic healing like that. Right as he prayed I felt God say He would lift some of the sickness and immediately the chills stopped and my fever dropped.

Amazing God.

Even though I am still quite sick and praying for complete healing, I am so grateful for the Lord's touch. He is a good God.

Day #4 - Third Trimester

2011-11-04T15:51:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful for the final lap.

The home stretch of this third pregnancy.

Baby #3 @ 28 Weeks

Pardon the poor picture quality... (photo booth)

I still have about three months to go, but entering the third trimester makes my mind wander on forward. Paul talks about running the race to get the prize.

1 Corinthians 9:24

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize."

Mind you, I am taking this verse COMPLETELY out of context as Paul is talking about the unmatchable prize of spending eternity with Jesus. I am merely talking about the prize of holding my sweet baby in my arms. Remembering amidst feeling fatigued, unfit, and uncomfortable at times that there is a prize at the end. And having this priceless gift of a child is better than any trophy and is entirely worth running the race.

Just for fun, here are pics of me 28 Weeks with Keaka and Leiahi, and my moment of receiving my prize...

28 Weeks W/ Keaka

Keaka on his arrival day (almost 3 weeks early)

28 Wks W/ Leiahi (another photo booth shot)

Leiahi on her arrival day (born on her due date)

Day #3 - My Mother

2011-11-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

My Mom's birthday is actually November 4th... aka... tomorrow.

I was being my typical self and only wrapping her present today (that still has to be mailed mind you). As I was wrapping I realized, yet again, how incredibly grateful I am for her.

Thus, today I am thankful for my mother.

(Plus, if I write this a day early at least she'll get something on time for her birthday from me :)

Mom, I love you and thank God for you. Your love for Jesus and prayers of faith drew me to Him. Please know I do not take that for granted, but use it as inspiration as I pray for my own children. Your generosity and obedience to the Lord's promptings are a blessing to witness. Thank you for loving and supporting me regardless of where I go or what I do. You are one of my dearest friends. I am so thankful for your listening ear, understanding, and all the laughter we share. God bless you on this birthday and may He pour out His favor, joy, refreshing and increase on you in the year to come. Here is to the best year yet!

Love you Mom, and I thank God for you!

Melissa*

Day #2 - Community

2011-11-02T22:36:00.000-07:00

A lady at church recently told me of her experience mothering young children. She shared that whenever her kids were sick on a Sunday, and she had to miss church, she would be just devastated. That was her one day each week that she could socialize.

As I listened to her story, I was thanking God that is not the case for me.

I am a stay-at-home mom, but not the garden variety. See, we are blessed to be a part of an organization that is full of young families. We more than merely work together, we are a community. And what a joy that is.

Instead of having only one day of socialization, I usually have to strive to find a day that I can spend extra time at home.

Often I can take for granted the multiple moms I am surrounded by that are walking in the same season of life as me, but today I am thanking God for them. I am so thankful to be a part of a community and not "going it alone".

I was incredibly blessed by some of those amazing moms today when they all willingly helped with my children as I took off on the hour drive to my pre-natal check up.

As I got stuck behind an accident that turned the hour drive into an hour and a half, I was thankful to not having crying or fussy children in the back seat.

When I called the office to say I would be late, I was surprised to find out they had made my appointment but somehow it had not been logged into their computer. Though they "squeezed me in" I was thankful again for the helpful childcare as I sat waiting for the doctor for 45 minutes. If I was feeling restless and struggling to keep a positive attitude I can only imagine how they would have felt.

Then I got a phone call on my ride home from one of the moms just to put my mind at ease that my kids were doing great. I was beyond blessed.

I am thankful, today, for this amazing community that has become like family to us in so many ways.

Day #1 - My Babies

2011-11-01T00:08:00.000-07:00

Our family has started a tradition. It is one of our firsts, and we really love it.

Every night we all go around the dinner table and share what we are thankful for.

Kumu and I get many laughs out of Keaka's responses, and we all enjoy hearing Leiahi babble in her own language. Then we usually guess what Hapa is thankful for, which is often our leftovers.

This whole dinner ritual has emerged out of what God has been teaching Kumu and I about being thankful and our desire to teach our children to have grateful hearts.

From this practice I have often thought I wanted to start using my facebook updates to share what I am thankful for, but I hadn't acted on the idea.

Today, however, I saw two of my friends share Day #1: and what they were thankful for.

Resist the cliche, I thought to myself... but my stubborn pride has subsided, and I have concluded that I will join the holiday inspired count of gratitude.

With a life full of so many blessings, I will certainly not run out of inspiration.

It is actually hard to chose only one thing to be thankful for, but I will start with my babies.

This seems like a logical place to begin after some recent news. Yet another friend has miscarried recently, and yet another woman in our organization has lost a child late in pregnancy. Today as that grieving couple buries a baby she carried for almost 8 months, I thank God for my baby that is bouncing in my belly. Keep perspective on the aches and pains that come with carrying a child for forty weeks and remember that life is "but a breathe". So, I thank God for Baby #3 and the destiny on his life.

I am thankful for my Baby #2; my pretty princess. It is a joy to have a girl and watch her with her father. Surely, she loves me, but they have a bond and connection that only a father and daughter can have. There is a softness she has brought out in him and a pleasure she has in his affection that I cannot put into words.

In practical terms, I was thanking God for her when she acted as our alarm this morning. Waking up to "Momma! Momma!" saved us all from being very late.

Lastly, but surely not least... Thank you, Jesus, for my sweet Keaka. My firstborn who will always remind me of God's faithfulness to His promises. Even today as I drank disgusting glucose (standard pregnancy test), he sat beside me and rubbed my back telling me it was going to be okay. My three year old was comforting me and showing me again that he carries a heart like our Heavenly Father.

Abba, I thank you for my babies. I love them all so much and am overjoyed at who you have created them to be. Thank you that You say children are a blessing and an inheritance. My life is richer and fuller because of them. Please continue to open my eyes to what it means to have faith like they do. To love and forgive like them. Make me more like them so I can be more like You. Amen.

Wide Turn

2011-10-04T00:29:00.000-07:00

I am not going to write another long and rather depressing post about being sick. Instead, I am going to curl up in my bed and believe that tonight I will make a turn for the better.

Tomorrow is a new day after all. A new day full of new mercies from the Lord... and the sooner I close my eyes, the sooner it will be a new day.

Overflowing

2011-10-02T22:16:00.000-07:00

It always seems that when you have the least amount of time to get sick is the very moment sickness strikes.

I get the spiritual side of sickness, but I also get the practical.

It seems we get sick in those moments because those are the times that we are so busy we are feeling stressed, not sleeping well and probably not eating as well either. Immune system is weakened and cabam ... sickie.

For most of this pregnancy I can tell when I'm over doing it. I can tell because the nausea returns. It's like I'm 8 weeks pregnant all over again, and may I say, week 8 was no fun for me.

This little baby is like my stress thermometer. I reach a certain degree and the nausea light gets flicked.

Baby thermometer is slowing me down folks, and it's frustrating. But this weekend, I have been realizing how great the thermometer is. At least compared to real sickness, because at least baby nausea is not contagious.

My cold. Now THAT is contagious. And my children, they just live and breath the same air as me all the time. They love their hugs and kisses and play time with Mommy. Mommy loves those things too, except when she is contagious. Contagious with a jam packed week with a variety of appointments and obligations. Filled to the brim.

We don't have time to be sick... or sleepless... we have commitments to keep.

But all I want to do is curl up in a ball and climb into bed. Except I'm Mommy and Mommy's don't get to just climb into bed all day because they are sick.

Mommy's get to try to explain to three year old boys that they do WANT to read to them, but they can't because it hurts too much to talk. That Mommy isn't mad, that's just how her voice sounds right now... aka.... kinda low and creepy.

Through all of it, I'm just praying to God that they don't get my cooties. Because if I feel this miserable, what will they feel? If I make Daddy lay beside me so I can fall asleep, won't they need Mommy to do the same?

It's no fun to be sick, but it's even worse to watch them be sick.

To Blog Or Not To Blog

2011-10-02T00:54:00.001-07:00

I have been going back and forth on this for a long while now.

Do I want to start blogging again?

Should I make it private?

No one really reads it, so does it matter if it's public?

The few that did read it have long stopped since I have long since stopped writing.

One thing I realized though is that when I stopped blogging I stopped writing. Which was the entire point of the blog in the first place. It was a venture of a lost voice because I had lost my voice in the written form.

So, I suppose I feel like I have to start blogging again so that I can start writing again.

A verbal vent.

Reflection on whatever.

I'm just so out of the habit.

And not sure about the commitment level, but I do see the need.

Maybe tomorrow I will decide public or private...?

Peace

2011-07-17T22:27:00.000-07:00

Most Sunday's I can be found working in our church nursery, but once each month I am able to sit in on the service. Today was my day.

It was one of those wonderful "God appointments" or times that the words spoken feel like they were for you alone. Our guest speaker was sharing on peace.

As soon as she opened with the mention of the topic she had my attention. God has been speaking to me about this baby being a bringer of peace since before we conceived. I was definitely all ears.

So much of what was shared was an echoing confirmation of many things the Lord has been whispering to my heart.

In this noisy world, we need to be in a place of peace where we can hear His still small voice. The world is shouting and demanding, He is calling softly and inviting.

It's not even just the busyness or the need to appear busy in order to feel successful. It's not all the fillers and distractions.

Mostly, it's answering the call to quiet and stillness. Finding worth and value in sitting at His feet.

I walk away from that message wondering what I can pear away to simplify my life. Though I do a decent job of carefully seeking before saying yes to any obligations, what more can I do... or NOT do... to just be. Such a counterintuitive thought when Baby #3 will be in our midst soon enough. As God gives me more, I ask how I can manage less and make more time for Him.

Though I don't have any real immediate answers, I am certain they will come in the times of intimate fellowship with my greatest friend Christ Jesus.

Because It's Time

2011-07-14T23:49:00.000-07:00

To share my heart and bare my soul.

To unwind and refresh.

To let it all out and allow truth to permeate my processing.

Fellow mommies follow the link below to a great post about motherhood. May it be as timely for you as it was for me.

Say hello to Baby "V" #3!

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/motherhood-is-a-calling-and-where-your-children-rank

Tomorrow Tomorrow

2011-04-14T22:46:00.000-07:00

Calling all procrastinators, tomorrow.

Contacting all those on a delay, later.

Reaching out to all of the reluctant, eventually.

Yes, I have blogged about my slow responses before, but I am struck yet again by the humor of it all.

Maybe it's humor, or maybe it's a sad reality.

You see, at Christmas time, we participated in a white elephant game. You know, when you put a gift in a pile and take a number. People can take from other people and ... oh never mind the directions. It's a fun game and you get the point already because I am telling you a story from CHRISTMAS! And it is April!

I open my cubbard to make my nightly cup of tea and this is when I encounter the funny reminder of my ...um... problem. In that white elephant game I won this really cool mug. You can write whatever you want on it. It comes with a special pen and the mug is a blank canvas for your creativity. You bake it and viola, you have a personalized mug! Super fun. At least in theory because four months later I am moving that mug out of my way to find a different one. One that doesn't have a special pen still taped to the top and instructions pasted on the side.

LOL. It's APRIL people.

For at least one month it sat on my counter before my husband inquired about it. Was I going to use the mug? AKA: Why is it living on our counter and not in the cubbard?

I had not forgotten the mug. In fact, I thought of it ALL OF THE TIME.

What on earth was I going to write on it? It needed to mean something to me? It had to be one of a kind and significant. After a bit of prayer, I kid you not, prayer I had made my decision. I knew what I wanted on the cup. My new problem was writing it out on the cup and what if I messed up? Then it would be a messed up something baked on my one of a kind mug FOREVER.

Some time after that reality hit, and I had already informed my husband of the significant something I had intended to write, the mug wound up in the cubbard. It could only live on the counter for so long. There in the cubbard it has remained virtually un-noticed until tonight.

As I mentioned a few days ago, I really enjoy learning more about personality types and so on. Thus, I thoroughly enjoyed reading 'The Birth Order Book' some time back. I act as a first born in my family and seem to suffer from being frozen by fear of failure at times. It leads to a procrastinating perfectionist tendencies. Sometimes we (this type) get so fixated on things being "just so" that we will leave it undone until we have the time or energy to do it the "right way". We tend to come up with elaborate systems for everything from what order we wash dishes in to how we organize our finances.

Taking my strengthsfinder test the other day only confirmed this truth about my personality. I like things a certain way and don't like deviating from the course.

Can you see the trouble with that tendency and having my unpredictable schedule? No wonder I sometimes want to pull my hair out. Ha! I'm always deviating from the course. My schedule is more like very loose guidelines.

No wonder it has been hard for me to learn to do "what I can, when I can".

What is natural is hammering out a task until I am finished. That is, after I have waited until the last possible second to accomplish it successfully.

No wonder I struggle with time management.

Not that I am trying to make excuses for myself, I am just having a light bulb moment here. This cup has helped flip a switch.

My new motto should be "don't put off for tomorrow what can be done today". Forget what I was GOING to write on that mug. I think that motto should be written imperfectly on the side.

I'll go ahead and do that.... sometime really soon. *wink*

Affirmation

2011-04-13T23:23:00.001-07:00

Words of affirmation. It's my number one love language, hands down.

Which makes sense, my passion to write and verbal process.

Even tonight my Korean friend was reminding me of a journal she had bought for me when we were leading an outreach in Japan. Sadly, I cannot remember that exact journal, but she says I loved it and absolutely freaked out when she gave it to me. Honestly, I only mention that she is Korean because every time she says "freaked out" I can't stop laughing. We have totally westernized her. Poor thing.

Anyway, she bought me a journal because I would just write and write.

I'm sure everyone wants to hear that they are beautiful and loved and so on, but I am incredibly blessed by those things. (Please note: NOT fishing for compliments here. LOL). Just saying, if I hop in the car in the morning and Kumu looks over and tells me I look really nice today I am so touched. It speaks more than if he were to reach over and hold my hand or pull out a little gift he had bought me as a surprise... unless it was maybe a yummy coffee.. haha. Coffee apparently trumps compliments. :)

I say all this, to state that I am going to bed tonight with a truly grateful heart. Some friends of ours paid us an incredible compliment. Technically, they told my husband who passed it on to me. They were just speaking some very specific and encouraging praise over us as parents and they way we are raising our children. I feel like this compliment means even more coming from these particular friends.

After a full day of caring for my amazing kids, and attempting to clean a room with 7 little ones helping us three moms, I am incredibly touched by their words. It was not an overly challenging day by any stretch, but it was certainly encouragement to continue on.

Someone once said, parenting done right is exhausting. I don't like to be negative, but it is rather true. It is much easier to let the little ones run wild than to get up and follow through. Well worth it, but work none the less.

I pray you find encouragement to continue on in all that God has called you to. To continue to take the high road and walk out the things you know are best. Even when it is not easy and you feel like your plate is pilled high to the point of over flowing, may you walk in the sufficient grace He gives. Walk in victory and be encouraged. As I say when the going gets tough, "You can and you will!"

Rhema Word

2011-04-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

I swear I just read this same chapter in my book like a week ago, but today it is different. Today the words are coming alive. My spirit is rising up within me and shouting "yes" and "amen". Almost to the point that I want to break the peaceful silence in my home and shout aloud.

"Yes!"

"Amen!"

I did it. I broke the silence to my invisible choir.

Faith is rising up in a way that I don't even understand, but I am believing God for the impossible. For miracles and salvation to spring up from the ground.

Sitting in my little "quiet time chair" and sipping on my night time tea, I am getting hit by the weight of the Holy Spirit. The profound goodness of His presence and the truth of His Words. If anyone is reading this, I pray an impartation of faith over you today. Be bold. Believe Him. He is who He says He is. He will do all He says He will do. God is good and we can take Him at His Word if only we believe!

One Run

2011-04-11T19:45:00.000-07:00

As I was out running this afternoon, I realized a few things.

The first being that running with only Hapa (the dog) is almost easier than walking with my double stroller. It made me all the more grateful for an incredible double stroller and extra thankful that my husband gave me the opportunity to exercise without any children in tow.

Which brings me to another realization. More like a reminder. This is a significant one for me as well. It really only takes me one run. One time out "alone" to find my rhythm. To remember what I love so much about hitting the pavement. Honestly, running makes me feel like I am gentling my body into submission.

A long time ago, I was taught to pray over yourself, "Body, submit to soul, soul submit to spirit, and spirit submit to the Holy Spirit." Running makes me feel like that is happening.

One of my cheesy lines I literally say aloud to myself at moments that I want to quit is, "You can and you will". I am literally submitting my body to my soul.

Not to mention that my times out running are some wonderful times of processing with the Lord. I can honestly say I am better for the exercise. Of course I enjoy fitting into my smaller jeans (and such) but it is about so much more.

Running is just something I love. For the last few months I have been trying to remind myself WHY I love it, and I feel like I am starting to remember after that one run.

Or Is It Family First?

2011-04-11T00:29:00.000-07:00

I feel like the work God is doing is so deep I don't really know how to articulate it all yet. Things are bubbling to the surface. Forgive the short posts, I am sure real revelation or realization of the revelation is coming soon and something more substantial will follow.

Fearfully & Wonderfully Made

2011-04-09T00:11:00.000-07:00

It always amazes me when I stop to reflect on the wide variety of personality types. People all function and work so differently.

Now maybe I am just reflecting on this because I am about to start reading the Strength Finder book, but I have always found observing these differences quite interesting.

We have had a very jam packed week. Not only did we have some obligatory scheduling things happening, we were also seeking (or in my case a bit of wrestling with) God regarding what our next three months were to look like, and having quite a few informal "ministry" type times. Amidst my busyness, I did not always prioritize the life giving time with Jesus. As I end my evening, it has occurred to me. No wonder I am not feeling as fulfilled by some of these times. Of course there is the natural fact of being on the go and how draining emotional pouring out can be, but I have not been connected to the vine as a branch should be. He is my life line.

Even as I reflect now I get a rush of those emotions of absolute love for my Faithful Friend, Companion, and God.

It is not that I HAVE to, but I desperately want to. Which is an answer to prayer in and of itself. I have been asking for a greater desperation for Him, and He is answering. I AM desperate. With each day I come to realize more and more how vital He is to me. How much I need Him. This man, Jesus.

Can we please have a selah and just give glory for who He is. That the Father has made us all so uniquely wonderful and different. Respecting that I am not a "go go go" person, or who is filled by being around large groups of people. I thrive on one on one time and that begins with my one on one time with my Creator.

Embarking on this new week, God, may I put you first. Above the demands of my day. Before the tyranny of the urgent. Before my amazing husband and wonderful children. First things first.

Keiki Corner

2011-04-08T16:39:00.001-07:00

Apologies for my depressing post last night. Worked it out and got my heart right before bed.

Looks like I'll be standing in the gap after all.

Hello intercession.

Can't Talk About It

2011-04-07T23:52:00.000-07:00

I'm dealing with some recent observations.

When I see my kids replicate some of my less positive attributes I am disheartened.

Don't think I'm ready to blog in detail on this one yet. Going to need to spend some time with Jesus first and get my head right then I'll be back to discuss.

'Intercessor' - Book #9

2011-04-06T23:13:00.000-07:00

Reading the story of Rees Howells' life and walk of faith with the Lord has been utterly inspiring. This is a book that will live on my book shelf for years to come. I received it second hand and freely added to the previous owner's markings. It will be taken off of the shelves in the moments when I need to remember what it is to live by faith. His belief and trust in Jesus is simply amazing. More ideas, stories and concepts have been gained that I can possibly sum up but I will focus on one point that God has highlighted to me through this book.

Rees believed in order to transition from prayer to intercession you had to actually step into the "role". Portray a willingness to be in someone's position. To feel their pain.

I have found this to be true. Proceed with caution before commenting on how something can or should improve. Before you know it, you may be used to help bring the solution.

Friends of ours once talked to our organizations founder about stewarding a property that had been left unkept for a period of time. His response to them was, "When are you coming?" Them bringing the issue to light translated to him that they were going to be the ones to see the place restored and completed. Sure enough, they have been faithfully overseeing for more than four years now.

My "spiritual mum" on campus helped establish a kid's ministry for our organization. She has shared with me the story and foundation of why God established this for the children. Now, any time I see it straying from the original intentions I find myself cringing. It has led me to go again before the Lord and ask if I am to take the lead.

When we see something is not on track and we dare to pray for it, sometimes we enter into a whole new realm of intercession and don't just stand in the gap but claim possession of it.

So, as another friend tells me today of the need for a "safe haven" for teens in our community I ask the Lord to reveal if they are to be the ones to start it.

Noticing the flaws and imperfection, identifying the need is only the first step. That's like an alcoholic admitting they have a problem but never doing anything about it.

The real test of our faith and service is what we do in response to the observation.

Maybe we will simply take the burden to pray, or just maybe, God will say we are to intercede and bring His heart and purpose to pass.

Lights Out

2011-04-05T00:02:00.000-07:00

I am up past my bed time and thus my brilliance has run out.

It was a family day with some wonderful friends thrown into the mix.

Full to the brim and over-flowing.

Hallelu for #2!

2011-04-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those kind of challenging days where I was just not sure if my son's ears were broken. Maybe it was a night without much sleep. After all, when one of us doesn't sleep well, none of us sleep well.

It could be that we have been home more the last few days due to the increase in my husband's work schedule and our sharing one car. That coupled with the embarrassing goose egg and and bruise I am still sporting on my forehead.

Or perhaps it was the fact that I was tackling the task, once again, of sorting through the clothes of my ever growing children. Putting them in their proper tubs and organizing the catch all that we fondly refer to as the storage room.

Any of these possibilities could have led to his apparently broken listening skills, and together, they almost did my sanity in. Never-the-less, we made it through the day with many triumphs, smiles and successes.

One of which made all the repeated requests and statements on my part, all of the refereeing, and the many prayers for patience worth it all.

Keaka ended a trying day with a great success of #2. Hallelu!

We have long since mastered the fist task but he's been reluctant for the second. Tonight we earned ice cream! That has been my incentive. Whatever, call it a bribe if you like, but these little rewards have been working.

The Vasco Clan is going out for Orange Tree tomorrow.

All in a day's work. ;)

Refiner's Fire

2011-04-03T18:45:00.000-07:00

Words fail me as I attempt to articulate the course of my day.

We began after a restless night of sleep, only to discover that both Kumu and I had dreams that were most obviously from God. They correlated and revealed some pretty heavy issues that we have only begun to pray and sort out.

Amidst a busy morning of driving all over town the Holy Spirit was with me and challenged me and spoke to me about various different issues. (Yes. I know I am being vague. :)

Off to church only to hit myself (Yes. MYSELF.) in the head with the car door. To my knees in pain I went. If not for my pride I would have cried. Never been so glad for bangs as that moment when I needed to cover the giant goose egg on my forehead.

Earlier I had been complaining (there is no other honest word to use) to the Lord about how tired I was and He then informed me I would not be able to nap. I rebuked the thought. It was not until two hours into Keaka's nap, while I was watching a very active and awake Leiahi that I discovered God was not kidding. I had begged and pleaded with the Lord, but still, no rest. It then occurred to me that I probably should have simply accepted God at His Word from the start and made better use of my time. Never-the-less, I accepted it then, and my whole attitude changed.

The Lord is working some serious ugliness out of my heart today. This is such an interesting season for me. I can feel the probe of His refinement. The heat of the scope zoning in. But I asked for this. Prayed and petitioned. More of You and less of me.

Attempting to enjoy the process and not be so focused on the finished product. Enjoying the hours before His throne and welcoming a newness of His presence. There is so much more of Him and quite frankly, I want it all.

ABC's

2011-04-03T00:31:00.000-07:00

Today was a really fun day with my keiki.

Keaka is currently OBSESSED with letters and trying to spell everything. He has always loved books and this interest has only grown recently.

Because he likes letters so much, I had bought him a $1 set of magnet letters to play with on our trip. We had also gotten him some other letter "toys" which he just loves.

Talking with my teacher friend the other night, I asked how I can encourage his interest without making him feel pressured to learn. She recommended labeling things in our home.

So, today, we got out some 3x5 cards and pre-cut letters from my scrap booking supplies. We pasted letters on the card and then taped them as labels all over the place.

Keaka had so much fun! Frankly, so did I!

I am certain this will be more than a one day activity. We've labeled his "tent", "tractor", "train", "books" and so on, but there are still so many more things to cover. :) He has already made a list of things to label tomorrow.

I will do my best to take and post some pics of our latest craft!

The Beginning

2011-04-02T00:02:00.000-07:00

11 years ago I witnessed an accident that changed me forever. Today I remember those who lost their lives, and thank Jesus for using that event to lead me to true life.

I am cheating a bit and reposting from April 1 of last year...

No Joke

It was ten years ago, but the memory is still vivid. Not sure that a year will ever go by that I don’t think back to “April Fools Day” of 2000.

There were three carloads of us teenagers all headed back from a movie. Just enjoying a Saturday night on our spring break. Truthfully, it was a mellow night for the crowd I rolled with. Movies verses drinking binge parties was a serious improvement.

Two cars were in front of my own as we neared the end of the thirty minute drive from the theaters. We were only about a mile from my house when things went terribly wrong.

As I drove around one of the many winding corners I was numbed by the scene that lay before me.

A car on fire?

Another car across the road in a ditch?

Immediately, I called 911, but found myself speechless. I handed my cell to another driver who had since stopped. She had no idea where we were but I was able to articulate to her our location, which she repeated to the operator.

Confused, the reality of what had taken place unfolded. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion.

The two cars in front of mine had been leap frogging; taking turns passing each other. One time around the car had tried to pass on a double yellow and driven right into an oncoming truck.

Vehicles ended up on opposite sides of the road from which they had started. My mind has graciously allowed me to not recall exact details of his appearance, but the driver of the truck had died on impact. His wife was unconscious in the passenger seat.

Our friends vehicle lay upside down and on fire. We drug the driver and his girlfriend out before the ambulance arrived. He was unconscious and his body was in very bad shape. (I would rather not share the details.) She was drifting in and out of consciousness and her bleach blonde hair was stained red with blood. We later learned the blood was all his.

Help began to quickly arrive. Ambulance, fire trucks... our parents.

I still remember my mom’s words as she found me among the massive amounts of people. “Melissa,” she said, “you told me there was a car accident. This is a head on collision.”

Someone gave me the task of staying with my blonde friend. I was to keep her awake. This was my job. I remember her big eyes looking up at me completely unfocused. A lady I had never met sat beside me. She appeared to be praying, in what I assumed was Spanish.

I hardly noticed the circle of people that stood holding hands amidst the chaos praying together.

So much was happening at once. The medics were working so hard on my driver friend laying on the pavement. Flames from the car. All the sounds...

Soon, all of the injured were en-route to the hospital and we followed suit.

I stopped at home briefly and oddly I grabbed a devotional my mother had given me.

A chaplin visited us in the waiting room at the hospital. His presence rattled me even more because he had visited my family and I before my grandmother had died of cancer a few years prior.

Eventually they sent us home.

The next morning we woke to the news that our friend, the driver, had been taken off of life support. Our blonde friend was going to be okay, though she had suffered multiple breaks such as her pelvis and some ribs I believe.

It was a night that changed my life forever. My friend that died was more of an acquaintance. We sort of tolerated each other. He was good friends with my boyfriend and had been living with him at the time. We had known each other for years, but were not exactly close. Tragic none the less and it rocked me.

He, my boyfriend and some of their other friends had all gotten extremely close through a youth group that had previously been a part of. After his death, they began talking about the gospel. None of them were really walking with Christ at that time, but they knew the way to Him. I had never heard of such a thing. Such a means of salvation.

Over the following weeks I began to ask questions.

A lot of questions.

My mother had recently come back to the Lord so she and my boyfriend had a lot of the answers I was looking for.

It was a slow process, but I began to see God’s hand over all of us on that fateful night.

This is the beginning of my salvation story. It began with tragedy, but I hope to share in the future how God worked it out for good in my life.

Needless to say it impacted me.

Ten years later, I look back and thank God for how far He has brought me. How much He loves me, and I pray that rumor of my lost friend coming back to Jesus before his death are true.

I pray that all of the others there that night would be able to see Christ’s work in their midst and walk with Him once again.

I pray a lot of different things on April 1st of every year and I probably always will.

Too Quiet

2011-03-31T23:20:00.000-07:00

Our landlords have seven children. All grown and living in various places. They tell us often how much they love hearing the sounds of our children. Without those sounds they feel like the house is just too quiet.

This morning I felt like I finally understood a bit of what they have been saying.

My house felt awfully quiet when I woke up today. And a bit like something was missing. More like someone, because they were.

The Lord is so faithful though. He used a study of John I am reading to speak encouragement to my lonely heart.

What do we turn to when we feel loss?

How I hope to cling to Him.

He is the solid rock on which I stand.

Never changing.

Always faithful.

After that encouragement I found myself surrounded by lots of loving people at our team "beach day". Soaking up the rays (and getting a bit sunburned - ouch) alone lifts my spirits. It was a beautiful day, and He is more than able to fill the achy emptiness.

He is, after all, a Great Comforter, Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace.

A Hui Hoe (Until We Meet Again)

2011-03-30T23:22:00.000-07:00

Change is something I do not always welcome with open arms. A fact you might call ironic, seeing as our life revolves in three month cycles. Our family is part of a minority that serve long term here on our campus. Mostly, we see many people come and go. Lots of people come and go.

In a positive light, every three months we have cause to re-evaluate where we are with the Lord and where He is leading us in the next quarter. A negative is that it is hard to plan life more than three months in advance.

Another positive is that all of these people that come and go are getting trained and equipped to serve and advance the Kingdom of God. The downside of this one is the challenge of having relationships of depth.

It is hard to say goodbye so often, and a constant choice to put in the effort to build a foundation that might move across the globe in a matter of months.

So, as I saw one of my dearest friends off at the airport again tonight, I fought the sadness. It is a selfish sadness. She has lived with us on two occasions and has truly become a part of our family. There is a depth to our friendship that is hard to come by. My sorrow is selfish because I want her here, sharing life with me. Selfish because that would not be God's best for her. His best has her headed in another direction.

I know I am allowed to be sad, but my heart is also celebrating this new season with her. Anticipating the good things to come as she is.

She is only one story of so many. Call it an occupational hazard. We are always saying goodbye.

All of these things come to mind as I reflect on the passage from Ecclesiastes 3 that I read this morning. There truly is a time and season for everything under the sun.

As you mourn with me at yet another farewell, I rejoice with her at the exciting things that lay ahead.

'The Client' - Book #1

2011-03-29T23:14:00.001-07:00

Officially glad I decided to do this, because it is only the end of March, and I have already forgotten all of the books I've read this year. Last year, I was so good about writing down the titles as I read. I would even write a mini review for my own entertainment. Honestly, to help me decompress as well. I tend to get a little bit wrapped up in what I am reading, watching, doing, etc.

Thus, in no particular order, I will attempt to recount and review my recent reading materials.

There is no such thing as sitting down for a few quiet minutes with a John Grisham novel. They suck you in whole. I find books disturb me far less than Hollywood films so I preferred this over the movie I watched some many years ago. Nothing monumental for me, but he is a man with an obvious gift.

BTW: This was me unloading the dishwasher.

Where Oh Where?

2011-03-28T23:47:00.000-07:00

Pretend I'm the cleaning lady, and I have just walked into a very messy house.

This feels a little bit like that.

All the rooms inside of my mind are cluttered with thoughts and ideas.

As I assess the damage, I hardly know where to begin.

Standing back, I am taking a big breath in and just going to go for it.

Although, I may start with something easy and obvious like loading the dishwasher, or washing a few windows. Start simple instead of emptying all of the cubbards at once.

Tonight I'm just unlocking the door, or in terms of my lost voice, doing a few warm up exercises for my very rusty vocal chords.

Tomorrow, just maybe, I will work on that stack of dishes in the sink.

What A Mighty Web We Weave

2011-01-28T08:33:00.001-08:00

It's been quite a process these last few days. Still not sure if I can pin point where it began and I certainly don't want to place blame on anyone; except the enemy.

While God is the God of creativity, satan keeps using the same ole' tricks. Like a dealer with only 52 cards, prefabricated with no room for diversion. Sadly, he played me one that dates back all the way to the garden.

Just like Eve, I took the card.

I will own to that.

I took the card of doubt.

"Did God really say...?"

How I wish I had come back to him with the truth of scripture like Jesus did as He spent His 40 days in the desert.

Strong and valiant.

Instead, I gave a shrug of uncertainty, dutifully took the card and let doubt into my heart.

Everything slowly began to unwind.

Sort of like when you tell a lie. One just leads to another. So it was with questions. Because if I did not know with certainty that God HAD said, then what about THIS?What about THAT?

Being dealt one lie after another, I looked down and saw I was now holding a full hand of cards.

All jokers, because the joke was on me.

It's never too late. I'm cutting my losses and folding this hand.

God DID say that!

Save Me From Myself

2011-01-26T08:58:00.000-08:00

I realize this is a bit long, but it is an absolutely AMAZING testimony!

Brian "Head" Welch - lead guitarist for Korn (band) meets Jesus.

I Guess I Wasn't Finished...

2011-01-25T22:26:00.000-08:00

In conclusion to yesterday's post...

As we responded in worship at the thought of God raising 16 people from the dead, I remembered something. It was a time when I was believing that I would witness this first hand.

This time was during my DTS (discipleship training school). I really felt God speaking to me about Ezekiel 37, and declaring it as part of my life's scripture and calling. At that point, I was still pretty FOB (fresh off the boat). Except, there was not boat. I was just pretty newly saved. God had picked me up from a rather miry pit and I believed Him for the impossible.

He said, I would witness dry bones coming together and I believed it.

Nothing was impossible!

After the lecture phase of my DTS, I traveled to Chile for my outreach for 7 weeks.

One day on a train, there was an accident.

A lady had jumped in front of the train, in an attempt to commit suicide. Worst of all, she was holding her two children.

We felt the bump, but did not think much of it until after the train had stopped.

Oddly enough, our translator was in medical school so she got of the train to try and help.

This was the moment, I had thought to myself. We are going to witness God raising someone from the dead!

We stood in a circle, as a team and prayed and prayed as we waited. This circle was strikingly similar to the one that stood praying at the scene of another fateful accident in my life. (See 'No Joke' April 1, 2010)

There was no body raised from the dead that day, but there was a miracle. While the mother did not make it through the accident, both of her children survived.

After that event, I think I let disappointment come in.

I don't think it was willingly, but it crept slowly.

Eventually, I started receiving that passage as a mere spiritual calling. I would call many who were spiritually dead back to life in Christ. A noble thing and a call I hope to walk out fully.

That was nearly 10 years ago, but Monday morning as I stood worshiping I remembered.

I remembered the fervent zeal and mountain moving faith of my early days. It came to me in an instant like only a Word of the Lord can. This word was still unfulfilled in my life. I had yet to see this promise come to pass.

So, I will begin again to believe God for a redemption of this false testimony. An increase in my own faith that I might see the dead rise.

In the spiritual as well as in the natural.

Because the balance of zeal and maturity I have been seeking does exist and it comes from abiding in Jesus.

For all who are reading this, what words... what impossible things has God spoken over your life that you have not yet seen fulfilled? What areas have you let disappointment creep into your heart? I champion you to believe again.

He can move mountains, all we need is a little faith.

Who Does That?

2011-01-24T21:48:00.000-08:00

Kind of uncertain of what emotion I am feeling.

Disappointed?

Disgusted?

You see, there was a story posted online that we were told about this morning. It was shared during our corporate worship time, and the response was pure worship and awe at God.

This story had been in a Brazilian news paper, and posted on the internet. It told how a group of American Christians had gone to help at the time of the floods. During their time in the country, they felt God speak that they were to go to the morgue. Long story short, 16 people were raised from the dead.

It was amazing.

How could we not help but respond in worship.

God is awesome!

As you have probably figured out by now, it turned out that the story was false.

Seriously?

I don't find myself doubting God's capability to raise from the dead. Jesus made that one pretty clear.

What I am saying is, who would do that? Who would go to the trouble of making a fake newspaper article in Portuguese, translating it, and posting it on the web?

That is just messed up.

Hi And Bye

2011-01-23T22:08:00.000-08:00

I am stopping in to say I don't have time to stop in :)

Seriously though, I am determined to get myself to bed on time. Wanting to start my week well, which translates to me being organized.

I spent a good part of my afternoon and evening prepping for my coming week with snacks for the kids and myself. Also catching up on like five loads of laundry which had been folded but never put away. (In typical Mel fashion.) Laundry is my downfall, I tell you.

This is taking a lot of effort at this point, but I trust with some practice, it could become second nature. You know, years from now.

Either way. I am making the effort.

Off I go.my kids willing, to bed!

Unveil My Eyes

2011-01-22T22:17:00.000-08:00

The old saying goes, "Be careful what you wish for." Well, in Christian jargon, it is more like, "Be careful what you pray for."

Reading Psalm 101 recently, I could not get past the first part of verse 3.

"I will set nothing wicked before my eyes."

Over the past few years the Lord has taken me on a journey regarding entertainment. By no stretch do I feel like I have fully grasped all that He has been teaching me, but I am certainly seeking His holiness in this area of my life.

Because of this, there has been a lot less television and movie watching in my home.

Now I read a lot. Again. I used to LOVE to read. Now, I love to read again. :)

So, when I stumbled upon this verse, I kept it reading over and over and turned it into a prayer.

Lord, let me set nothing wicked before my eyes.

Not that I was out reading trashy romance novels before, but I feel a whole new level of intention even in my recreational reading.

Partly, I found myself saying (as I used to with television) "oh, it's just a story. It's not real life. Of course it is not okay in real life". I started asking myself, why is it okay to read about one type of sin and not the other. Sin is sin.

This revelation is still a work in progress, but I know the Lord is answering the prayer I prayed. He knows that another prayer I pray on a regular basis is

Psalm 27:4

"One thing I ask of the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, that I may gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple."

As the great man Rees Howells once said, "Two persons with different wills can never live in the same body."

One desire will have to triumph over the other.

Can't Top That...

2011-01-21T17:16:00.000-08:00

Paci

Binkie

Bink

Dumbie

Numbie

Num Num

Soother

It is.... the Pacifier.

Here I was feeling clever having thought of so many names, and then I see that baby center compiled a list of 150!

BabyCenter.com

New Territory

2011-01-20T23:05:00.000-08:00

First, I must apologize for the way the picture is showing up on the blog. Having some technical difficulties, but anyway....

Recently, I have come to inhabit some very unfamiliar territory. It is a strange and unknown land that I have started to call "unmotivated".

Anyone who knows me at all, understands that fitness is such an ingrained part of my life. Above all, I know myself. There is always something I am training for or aiming to achieve. Even if I wind up not reaching my goal, I am ready for the next challenge almost immediately.

I would not describe my emotion as worried, more so, un-nerved.

This is weird and rather unheard of for me.

Sure, I have still been going for walks with Hapa and the kids. Sometimes I am still running. For the most part though, I am doing it because I know I should. Not because of the burning passion. So strange.

I am trying to take it in stride. Somehow I think it has something to do with all God is teaching me about discipline.

Discipline and faithfulness. Two words He's been speaking to me over and over.

As odd as it is for me, I plan to just keep doing what I know I ought and wait for the excitement and passion to return. Until then, I supposed I am practicing discipline.

The Rescue - Book #3

2011-01-19T22:51:00.000-08:00

Last night I finished 'The Rescue' by Nicholas Sparks.

I love that I found this book for free in our campus boutique! I read the cover, and thought it sounded interesting. Though I did note that it said something about being a top seller, I did not pay much attention.

Once I could not put the book down, however, I realized he was also the author of countless other books that have now become popular "chick flicks". Including one of my all time favorites, THE NOTEBOOK.

Sigh...

Though this was no notebook, it certainly was a page turner. I finished it in two days, but I am not sure I should be proud of that. :)

I found the story captivating, and enjoyed the happy ending. It is not one that I will feel the need to read again, but I appreciated the warm fuzzies without too many details.

Not to shabby for a free find if I do say so myself.

In The Eye

2011-01-18T23:46:00.000-08:00

Found myself staring at my hands tonight, and my mind began wandering away.

My hands are beginning to look more and more like my mothers.

To be honest, I have always thought she had beautiful hands.

It is only now, as mine have taken on such a striking resemblance that I am not so sure how I feel about their appearance. Large veins running up to long lean fingers. My once well manicured nails are now short and unpolished. (This aspect does not reflect my mother. She always has polished nails :) Happily wearing a beautiful diamond on my left hand that always reminds me of God's faithfulness.

Maybe I always thought they were so beautiful because they were my mother's hands?

Until this past Sunday, I have never given so much thought to this. (I have thought a lot about feet, but that is for another time.)

After church an older gentleman held my hand for a moment as he greeted me. He leaned over to his companion and said, in Japanese, "Ah, such beautiful hands!" He was commenting about my youthful skin and such.

I did not give it much thought at the time.

Not until tonight as I found myself staring at the veins.

Though it has always been hard for me to accept, people have given me positive comments on my looks throughout my life.

Now, I am in a whole new season, as a wife and mother. My husband is very complimentary, but for the most part, those comments are now few and far between.

Maybe this all occurred to me as I had just finished reading an article on Heidi Klum, and was contemplating the rediculous standards our society places us. (Nothing against Heidi Klum!)

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have received a deep revelation of

Proverbs 31:30

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

That wise old man looked at my hands and saw beauty.

I looked at my hands and saw flaws.

He is wise because he has tarried longer than I, and he knows that beauty if fleeting.

Our lives are but a breathe.

We spend so much time (myself sadly included) on the things that will return to dust.

Oh Lord, let my eyes be fixed on the eternal.

Somehow, one man's comments help me to understand in a deeper and more real way that when my heavenly Father looks at me He sees beauty.

Because I am made in His image.

Because I am a reflection of His glory.

Because it is more than an over quoted scripture, but a truth for our generation that

"I am fearfully and wonderfully made. His works are wonderful; I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

Do I know that?

Do I rejoice in the way He made me?

As He told me once, His definition of beauty is not the same as man's. Why should He be bound by man's definition?

Amidst my writing this, I went to help Leiahi back to sleep. I was holding her hands and thinking, "I hope she has my hands. I hope that when she looks at her hands, she thinks of her mother. And I hope when she thinks of her mother, she does not think what a beautiful woman I am, but that I am a woman who fears the Lord."

Psalm 27:4

"One thing I ask of the Lord, this only do I seek that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple."

Ask Me If I Care

2011-01-08T23:21:00.000-08:00

This is probably the truest Sabbath I have taken in a long time. Unfortunately the majority of my reason behind resting so much is that I am dog tired.

Leiahi is running a temp, and it is so hard to know if she is just teething (first two are visible but not through) or if she and I are fighting something?

After waking up "late" (for me anyway) I had to lay back down and ended up being in bed with baby girl until 10 am.

It was an incredibly low key day.

So I sign off tonight with dishes still in the sink and toys scattered on the floor. It will just have to wait until morning.

Friends Forever

2011-01-07T23:11:00.001-08:00

Thankful for the friendship of God today.

Meditating on His faithfulness in this area.

So often I struggle with loneliness, but am always reminded that He never leaves or forsakes me. I remember that He understands more than any human can. He made me, so He knows every sorrow and joy.

I reflect on this not in a spirit of despair but of gratitude.

Even my sighing is not hidden from Him.

Thank You, Jesus.

The list goes on and on, but here are a few that I have been meditating on today.

John 15:13-15

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you."

Proverbs 17:17a

"A friend loves at all times..."

Psalm 38:9

"All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you."

Psalm 121:8

"The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

"My Stupid Mouth"

2011-01-06T22:18:00.001-08:00

Remember that John Mayer song?

Kumu and I used to sing that all the time when we were dating.

As I end my day, these lyrics are floating through my brain....

So much of me says, "I'm never speaking up again. Starting now!"

We all know I will though.

Even if it hurts me.

I'd rather be obedient and be that one that called it like it is, even if it risks me not being liked.

What can I say? Me and my stupid mouth.

Multiple Choice

2011-01-05T22:47:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, I'm out walking with the kids and Hapa, and talking to my mom on my phone. I was telling her about a situation that had really bothered me. Someone had said they would do something and then they had kind of retracted it.... yada yada yada. There I was, rambling and carrying on, when all of a sudden a big piece of pollen (? or something) flew straight into my eye.

Immediately I think of Matthew 7:3 - 5

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in'" your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

Point taken Lord.

I'm sure I have done the same type of thing before, so stop complaining.

With this already in my mind, I'm back to pushing my double stroller today. Minus the dog, and about to leave our campus, when screech.... my only exit ramp is blocked by someone's moped.

I throw my hands up and wonder if they missed the fact that they parked on top of BRIGHT YELLOW LINES, or not noticed the bold print, "NO PARKING".

What if someone in a wheelchair needed through?

I was honestly contemplating leaving a note (LOL), when I had a flash back.

Tires go SCREECH again.

Stomach sinks.

Oh my irritation at the memory of my former pastor informing me I could not park in the stall with the white lines. JUST IN CASE someone wanted to drive through our ghost town parking lot I had thought to myself.

Cue Matthew 7, and take the old double stoller off roading and make my own exit.

What is the common denominator here?

Can we draw a conclusion?

The moral is not to avoid any public outing with my children in the stroller :)

Maybe God is teaching me to be more patient.

To extend grace to others as well as myself.

Perhaps I ought to be less judgemental.

I am going to go with answer "D" all of the above.

Love you Misch

2011-01-04T23:18:00.000-08:00

You know those friends that you have history with?

The ones you don't necessary talk with that often (because they live in another time zone), but when you see them it's like picking up where you left off?

As if you haven't missed a beat.

One of my wonderful friends of that status just flew back into Hawaii today.

It was a great night of hanging out with her, her husband, and all of her family.

So refreshing just to be in the same room. Felt right.

Tough Act

2011-01-03T00:04:00.000-08:00

Hard to follow a day like yesterday.

I'm searching my exhausted brain for some deep spiritual revelation of the day, and I have nothing.

My mind can only recall lots of "mommy memories".

This is much to do with yet another night of walking my small home with an inconsolable baby. At least I finally spied the culprit; a tooth. (Was honestly starting to worry my child was just that grouchy.)

I was determined to not cancel a pre-dawn coffee date with a friend before she heads back to the mainland. Thank you Starbucks.

The rest of my day was a blur of trying to keep Elmo dry (potty training) and my eyelids open. After I discovered I had washed a wipe with a load of our re-usable diapers (This follows me washing nursing pads the previous day) we decided I totally needed a nap.

Highlight of my day was definitely singing ABC's with Keaka at bed time. The moments of laughter and love make all the sleep deprivation and semi-craziness worth it.

Do remind me of that if I end up pacing the house with an unhappy baby a few hours from now.

Humbled & Amazed

2011-01-02T22:16:00.001-08:00

It began before we even met.

On an overnight train through China, God started stirring Kumu's heart. As he passed many small villages that had no stations he wondered, "How do they hear the Gospel?" If we don't even stop here, "Who tells them about Jesus?"

From that experience, God began to birth a vision that has taken years to unfold.

Over time the Lord molded Kumu's love for missions and interest in sound. Years after that train ride, Kumu and I felt God calling us to pursue his love for recording.

This pursuit would lead us to one of the most prestigious recording schools in the country, Full Sail University. As a young married couple we looked at the price of this education and were daunted. But the more we prayed about it, the more we felt God was saying to "GO".

I remember clearly feeling that God was so much bigger than the cost of tuition and that He could pay for the schooling through even one person. We were not to limit Him, but simply obey.

So, we went.

Kumu graduated top of His class, and gave a speech which received a standing ovation.

With this amazing education under his belt, God did not lead Him into a high paying career with a big name studio. No sir. $55,000 debt in hand, we returned to missions!

Elevated Music was born. :)

Track with me a few more years, and we receive a donation which God tells us to put toward one of the two loans. Within that year, we had paid off the smaller loan.

Welcome 2010, and God stirs me to believe that our family can be debt free by the end of the year.

Dear God, You realize we are still $34,000 in debt. I will believe You for this. I know You can. I don't know HOW, but I know you CAN.

I spent all of 2010 praying crazy prayers about our family eliminating our final debt of a student loan.

My prayer box contains a white 3x5 that reads:

Debt Free: AES loan paid off. (Believing this will happen by the end of 2010.)

December rolled around, and I did not stop believing for a miracle. That is certainly what it would take.

It was then that we were approached by a previous donor. The same donor who helped eliminate our first loan.

God has done it again.

But in a bigger and more amazing way than I ever could have imagined.

Our family will be starting this year debt free.

Not only did God answer my prayer to eliminate our debt in 2010, but He also did it through one person (family) just like we believed He could when we prayed six years ago!

I can hardly articulate my gratitude to Jesus and this crazy generous family. "Thank You" doesn't seem to cut it. Words don't really express what is happening in my heart. Weeping for joy doesn't sum it up.

Their obedience to His prompting, and willingness to help a family chase after their dream, has led them to be the answer to years of believing and praying.

What a gift.

What a God.

Transformational & Transitional

2011-01-01T22:04:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!!!

Here is to a year of walking on water.

Reckless abandonment.

Radical obedience.

Focused commitment.

To a year of throwing off all that weighs us down .

Holds us back.

Keeps us bound.

This is the year to jump in head first.

Arms open wide.

Eyes fixed on His.

Here is to 2011!

Family Blog

2010-12-01T23:52:00.000-08:00

If you want to check out our new family blog, hop on over to thevascos.blogspot.com!

It's Not All Glitz And Glamour

2010-11-23T15:32:00.000-08:00

I am coming to terms with the fact that blogging provides me sanity. An outlet and place for my verbal processing self to unload, unwind and decompress like nothing else. Just like making time with Jesus, I just have to make time to write. Get the thoughts, complaints, absurdities, and revelations off my mind so I can move along instead of having it all bouncing around in my brain. It is not always pretty, but it is my life and journey. My thoughts, opinions, humor, and stories. This is my soap box...

My first clue should have come early this morning. Leiahi and I were alone in the bedroom. The boys had gotten up together upon my request. It had been a long night with a lot of waking on Mommies part. So, we were taking our time getting out of bed. Leiahi was eating and all was well.

That is until she threw up on me. Not a little but a whole lot.

Once I made sure she was fine. Yup.. smiling as always... I thought to myself, "this might not be a good sign of things to come."

What I cannot figure out at this point is if it has just been "one of those days" or if this is just my life. (LOL)

Seriously, because yesterday was much like today.

Opened my car trunk and stared at the empty space only to remember I had left the stroller at the house. No worries. A friend lent me her stroller for the morning.

That is a joy of living in a community like we do.

At least until half of the community witnessed my son chasing after his friend with two sticks and hitting him in the face. Hearing an older man yelling at him to stop almost put me over the edge.

Recently I realized some of Keaka's earliest memories may well be of me closing my eyes and letting out a heavy sigh. Will he know I am stopping for a few seconds to ask Jesus what to do? I guess I will have to tell him.

Those moments have changed the course of my parenting by the way. The Lord has far more mercy than I would in the natural, let me tell you :) (LOL)

Ah well. It's nap-time now and I have heaps to do. As I mentioned, my bed sheets are in need of a wash :)

Ahhh Hemmm....

2010-11-16T08:22:00.000-08:00

Check one.

Check two.

Test.

Is this thing on?

"Back In The Saddle Again"

2010-10-14T23:03:00.000-07:00

Kumu and I have been talking a lot about how much organization factors into a healthy lifestyle.

If we stick to the topic of food alone, it can be seen plainly.

Forget to plan dinner, so people go through a drive through.

Granted I don't even know the last time I went through any form or fashion of a drive through, BUT I have never aspired to be much of a chef so my child has had mac & cheese for dinner on occasion. (Not that I served him that tonight or anything :)

This is where I am beginning to drive myself slightly bananas. I do plan. We went out and bought these great calendars. The whole month of October has dinners written for all to see.

So what is the problem you might ask?

It helps when you actually buy the ingredients!

Or perhaps, thaw the meat.

Might even want to think about these things before 4:30 in the afternoon.

I am going to give myself grace here because how many years did I live on salad and chocolate alone. However, I think it is high time I stop using my husbands wonderful culinary abilities as my excuse and just make a real effort.

Plus I always promised him I would learn to cook once we had children.

Then I told him once Keaka started eating solids.

Now I am almost to the second child starting solids.

LOL.

I am capable.

But back to failing to plan and planning to fail.

It is almost like writing a list on a paper and losing it.

Taking reservation but not keeping them.

Setting goals and stopping half way.

I'm having flash backs of childhood athletics and coaches lecturing on "follow through".

This is good!

I have no idea how all of my ramblings are coming across but God is doing something so interesting in my heart. What an interesting journey.

My life is a bit of a sticky web. Everything is connected, so as He is touching on this one string, so many others are responding.

Hapa The Huskey

2010-10-14T01:46:00.000-07:00

In case I have a visitor...

My handsome pup at the beach

Guard Dog

Better Than My Shoe

Aloha

I Remember Now

2010-10-13T00:47:00.000-07:00

Blogging worked.

I remember my "why".

I felt cheated, and I don't want to cheat myself.

Then I look at my children, particularly my baby girl.

Something about having a girl has brought this home for me.

I don't want to cheat her. I want her know truth. Know she is lovely and delighted in. That when we look at her we see beauty and joy. That God formed her perfectly.

I NEVER want her to battle the lies and pressures that I did.

I don't want to pass on this junk to her.

I don't want to be a yo yo before her eyes.

What mommy will she get? Happy healthy mommy or emotional unhealthy mommy.

I'm allowed a meltdown here and there. I'm human. I'm not looking for perfection.

I am looking for FREEDOM.

I don't want to be a slave to ... to... whatever void I am trying to fill.

If only my children could learn from all of my mistakes.

Isn't that every parents prayer?

Trust me child, NOT WORTH IT.

Today was, in general, rather humbling... BUT at least I remember my "why".

What Wagon?

2010-10-12T00:42:00.000-07:00

What is this?

Little house on the prairie?

Why would I be on a wagon?

Must have hit my head harder than I thought.

Old habits die hard.

I'm disappointed in myself.

I forget my goals and intent so quickly.

Seriously.

I am like this in so many areas of life.

I come up with these great plans and then my follow through is rather weak.

It is almost like I forget my "why".

I'm a trainer for heaven's sake. I know you have to have a "why".

I better blog all of this soon. It will help me remember what I am trying to do and why on earth I want to get on a wagon in the first place!

Off The Wagon

2010-10-11T00:36:00.000-07:00

I fell off the wagon ALREADY!

I will not place blame on anyone, I will just say temptation in my face.

Learned an important lesson though.

Not at a place of balance yet.

Like an alcoholic not being able to have one beer.

Or pringles! Once you pop you just can't stop.

You get it right?

Having everything in moderation is okay, it is just that I am not able to moderate.

Kumu could have a gallon of ice cream in the fridge for a month. Where as, I am capable of polishing that puppy off in a couple of sittings.

Then, in typical Mel fashion, I figured the day was already shot, so why not really indulge.

I must have hit my head on the way off of the wagon.

I Guess This Is Day 1

2010-10-10T00:32:00.000-07:00

I passed up pizza today. It looked super yummy, but no!

This is not just about food.

It is more about my emotional response that leads me to food.

Not so much about my pre-preg pants not fitting, and more about an over all healthier life.

As a whole, it was a great first day.

Hmm... sugar with drawls are a (please sensor here), but life is good.

Yes I want to reach for chocolate when both of my children are crying, but what is the deeper issue here.

Still not sure what I am doing or why, but it feels right.

A New Day

2010-10-09T00:04:00.000-07:00

I debated these last days about whether to post this or not, but I decided to go for it. Not many people read this and my life is pretty much an open book anyway. You can gather from my hesitation that this one goes deep, but I am ready for reformation. Breakthrough on so many levels. My heart just wants more. That is the song I have been singing every day lately...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-66KeF1LQ4&feature=related

(I just started crying as I watched this video. :)

What am I afraid of? What people might think? I have given up on trying to please man and other's expectations. (Okay... this is the first time I am honestly happy my mom doesn't read my blog because I know what I need to share would make her feel bad and that is not my intention. I LOVE my parents. They are wonderful and loving people... so if you suddenly decide to start reading my blog mom. I love you. Please don't be upset.) So, I am trying to give up the fear of man! Kumu said, just write it babe. Don't filter yourself or worry about other people. This blog is for you, so here it goes.

I am tired of the old. I want the new. The "more".

I need You more Lord!

From my journal...

I woke feeling like it's "a new day".

It is almost as though I feel cheated. Not angry with my parents, because they did the very best they knew how. But I do feel cheated. They did not teach me how to eat healthy and have a healthy relationship with food. Instead, I inherited their sins with food.

My father was a bolimic. My mother is an emotional eater. I watched the yo yo from one extreme to the other.

Both my sister and I battled with eating disorders.

I was not given the tools of nutrition.

Sometimes it feels like a healthy me lies just below the surface. Under the layer of baby fat and social lies. Hidden beneath the bad habits.

I forgive you mom and dad for cheating me out of this valuable life skill. I break ties with the generational sin.

Today is a new day. Time for a new thing.

I refuse to cheat myself any longer. I refuse to cheat my children.

I don't really know what this looks like, but I believe it is Your heart for me, Lord.

You desire to see me vibrant and strong.

Purged of all of the junk, how will I function and live?

How will I feel, sleep, and exercise?

Enough of the old. Onto the new.

I keep thinking f 21 days of purity.

What on earth does that mean?

Have I lost my mind?

Will I be off eating a doughnut by lunchtime?

What does this even mean God?

The Drama Continues

2010-10-08T16:12:00.000-07:00

So back to the rats.

They appear to be dead now. We have come to this conclusion based on two pieces of evidence.

1#. There is no more of their nasty noises heard from above.

Evidence #2. The smell of death is now permeating our home.

*heavy, disgusted & frustrated sigh*

The poison is great in theory. Rat eats said poison and scurries out of the house to find water and then die. This worked for the first few days. Missing poison trays turned into less disturbing rodent noises.

Flaw in plan comes into play when a rat decides to quench their dying need for water somewhere above the bathroom.

Welcome to my new dilemma.

Our family does not have live rodents between our ceiling and below the landlord's floor. Now, we have (at least) one dead rat stuck.

The smell of death pretty much sums it up.

We can't exactly tear the walls down to get it out, so instead, we wait for it to um... "pass".

Are you as grossed out as I am? Probably not. Ever been so repulsed you don't even want to be in your own home? If so, then you understand.

The positive is that we have it contained at least by blocking off any vented area and lots and LOTS of air fresheners.

I have no idea how long this will continue. I do know that the Lord is teaching me something through this.

Now, maybe I am reading into this too much, but here is where I am at.

A long while ago, the Lord gave me this dream about three animals. A friend and I prayed separately about what those animals symbolized in my life and we both came to the exact same conclusion. (I think I wrote a post vaguely touching on this in the past?)

Long story short, there was a white mouse. This mouse fed the snake, and these animals represented some sin in my life.

The Bible has a passage that has come to my mind in recent days:

Matthew 12:43-45

"When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left.' When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation."

It was during an early quiet time one morning that it occurred to me. I was sitting with the Lord when I heard the rats running around. My stomach sank.

I had cast out the white mouse, but then I had opened the door back up for him to come in again. This time it wasn't a mouse, it was rats. Bigger and grosser than what was in my life prior.

Somewhere between that previous dream and the present I had forgotten how much I did not want to be the owner of a mouse. That I HATE rodents.

Are you following me? Because this is not about the animal, it's about the sin.

1 Corinthians 6:12

"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything."

What might be "okay" for someone else or not be sin for them, was something God had CLEARLY spoken and shown me was not doing me any good. And by continuing on, I was sinning because I was disobeying a word of the Lord for me.

Add to all of this rat nonsense the fact that I had two more recent snake dreams. One of which was a python, a symbol of witchcraft and the Lord could not have been speaking any clearer.

1 Samuel 15:23

"For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft."

My disobedience was rebellion you see.

All of the pieces of the puzzle are beginning to connect and I am seeing the bigger picture as I am sitting here smelling death.

This is where I take a big theological jump...

I think sin literally stinks to God.

Romans 6:23

"For the wages of sin is death..."

Sin and death are synonymous to God. Death smells. Rotten flesh is gross and stinky and plain old ew. So, I have concluded that our sin is like a disgusting stench to the Lord. It makes even more sense in my mind when I think about all the scripture talking about fragrant offerings to God.

More repentance.

Let it go deep Lord.

Cleanse the rebellion from my heart. May I not have sin in my life that makes you turn up Your nose in disgust. I want to be a sweet aroma to the Lord. My life a fragrant offering.

For Toots

2010-10-07T00:25:00.000-07:00

Did not want to post this on facebook. Partially because I look so amazing :) but also because it is so long.

Short back story: He LOVES the number 2. :) He is really enjoying "counting" but he won't start with one, he always goes to number 2. Entertaining to us.

As for the knocking, I was reading about knocking and Jesus opening the door to us. We knocked on the Bible, and now he wants to knock every night. :) Seeing as he even copies my hand gestures, I should have known it would stick.

Anyway, here it is Toots...

FOB

2010-10-06T09:08:00.000-07:00

Back in the day, I thought of myself as a pretty bold person. The "day" being my early days as a Christian. FOB (Fresh off the salvation boat), I was unabashed in my faith.

"Jesus Freak" glittered onto my graduation cap, I was out to save to world. No one could stop me, not even satan himself. Not because of me, but because the Lord was on my side. He had saved me from a miry pit.

Dried clay still falling off of my feet I had a story to tell and that story was my voice. My voice could not be silenced.

Ten years have passed by and sometimes I think my loud voice has turned into more of a whisper or a muffled sound. Perhaps that is part of the title of this blog now that I sit to ponder it all.

In some respects I simply grew up. Gained a bit of maturity.

Moving from my small hometown and traveling some, I have had the chance to hear other peoples stories. Listen to their voices, and see the world through their eyes.

It has changed my perspective and shown me that the way I viewed things was not always the way that God views them.

Still walking in my "there is no grey area" ways, I met the second man (Jesus was the first in case you missed that) who would change my life forever. My favorite polynesian around, the wonderful Kekumu. He was God's sandpaper that helped to rub some of those pointy edges off of the former VERY type A personality.

I believe God called it iron though and not sandpaper.

Proverbs 27:17

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

Never-the-less, I have softer edges than before and my husband is no longer used as other's walking mats.

I was bold, but sometimes offensive. Most of the time without even knowing it. (I am from what is termed as "cold climate")

My husband ("warm climate") walked with a quieter confidence that his story was worth hearing, but his voice often got lost around those like me who were willing to shout to be heard.

This is all really wonderful, minus the fact that in my effort to achieve balance I feel like I have lost some of my boldness. Instead, I am now more of a politically correct missionary always worried about offending.

I want to always be one who will boldly approach the Lord's throne and believe He can move mountains.

Hebrews 4:16

"Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

Because of all of this, I have wondered for some time now, what does it look like to live with boldness and zeal coupled with maturity.

To know God can, but that He doesn't always move the mountains.

To be unashamed of the gospel, but sensitive to the situation and how (or even if) I use my voice.

Romans 1:16

"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile."

To live by faith but have the boldness to ask.

Forever a Jesus "freak" my life is my testimony; my story my voice. The destination is heaven. The journey is walking out the promise. What it all looks like is yet to be seen, but I invite you to discover it with me.

Christianity 101

2010-10-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

Among our Elevated Music team I have a reputation of being the one who repeatedly says, "Have we prayed about that yet?"

Though they tease me about my predictable response, it is respected and something I actually like about myself. (Novel thought, but moving along.)

This natural response is what makes it so surprising that I am now in an uncomfortable situation.

Every three months a new quarter begins for us on our campus. Our projects, goals and schedules can vary a lot or a little from one quarter to the next. Because of this, Kumu and I have it set that we take some time to pray about what the next three months will look like for us.

Our fall quarter has already begun and we didn't really take that time. I don't actually know why, other than just being busy being busy and planning for some upcoming projects.

Regardless of why, I am reaping the results.

While it is quite possible I am being slightly dramatic, I do know that I feel uncomfortable about a conversation I need to have today.

It is time to retrace my steps and remove myself from something I have already committed to.

That sentence makes me nauseous because the last thing I want to be viewed as is "flakey" or "unreliable". It strikes this cord of insecurity in me.

"What will the other mother's think? What will be said of me when I am not around?"

That's as raw and real as it gets folks.

When I make it black and white it comes down to fear of man or fear of God.

I know this now because I actually stopped and prayed. Thank you Christianity 101... oh and my sweet friend who saw I was stressing out.

Every time I got an email or was in a conversation about this commitment I would feel stressed. This was not a peaceful experience and it was not ending up being a blessing.

I had assumed we would naturally continue with this thing that I had loved in the past, but all I was feeling was ... STRESSED. It just was not turning out the way I had imagined.

It was my wonderful friend who pointed out the obvious and made a statement that really hit home. She said something along the lines of how important it is to actually ENJOY LIFE (another novel idea) and this season of motherhood.

Keaka is already 2! and Leiahi is not even a newborn anymore. Time just keeps moving and I want to treasure every moment, not be so "committed" that my family gets a stressed out Mommy.

So, we prayed, and I have my answer.

Am I to be involved?

Quite quickly and clearly I hear "No".

Well then, that leads to lots of other things to pray through about our schedule and what the last three months of 2010 do look like, but first things first.

Today, I have to un-commit. I don't think that is even a word, cause you are not really supposed to do that, right?

BUT, better to deal with it now that to walk through the next three months stressed and unhappy. That won't bless anyone.

Again, I am probably being a bit dramatic, but I hate that I am putting other people out. That in some sense I am risking my reputation.

I am sure this will be a much less eventful conversation that I can imagine in my mind, and if God says no He has a good reason and I do trust that He knows best.

It all has served as a friendly reminder to ask HIM first not after the fact.

Oh My Ew...

2010-10-02T09:02:00.000-07:00

It first began longer ago than I would like to admit.

We had friends for dinner when we first heard the scurry. It made her stop in her tracks, eyes wide.

Assuring her we DO NOT have critters living with us we moved on with our evening.

Dear friend, you were right, and I was wrong. But you know that already.

Living somewhere above us and below our landlords... are rodents.

Things went from bad to worse when I was working in our outside room last week. I could hear the nasty little creatures moving around right outside the door. Hiding in a storage area, invading my peaceful home. I did the logical thing and banged on the wall to get them to SHUT UP! That didn't work, so I bolted back into the house in total disgust.

It only continued to go downhill when we put mouse traps in said storage area and found them missing the next morning. Yes. MISSING.

Great. Worst fears confirmed; rats.

Anyone else get a full body shiver just reading that word?

Which brings me to the perfect time to ask the obvious question:

Why in the world would you ever want to OWN a rat? Not understanding. Not even a little bit. Save yourself some money rodent lovers and just come and fetch these nasty guys, throw them in a cage and call it good.

Ugh... why?

Nevermind.

Back to the story.

It took some figuring out, ie: where to hide poison where kids and cats cannot reach, but the bait is set.

Another sidenote: To my landlord's half a dozen cats, Isn't it in your job description to KILL these nasty things? Please step up your game. Promise I'll become a cat lover... as long as you leave it on you owners doorstep and not mine. Mahalo!

I conclude this creepy tail by stating I take solace, comfort, peace and so much more in the fact that they will soon be gone and quiet peace will be restored to my home.

Pendulum

2010-09-24T00:05:00.000-07:00

It seems that the common thread in my life right now is finding balance.

Today's search in the grand effort comes in the form of words.

What is the balance in my words.

I am going on two weeks of being sick and growing weary, but I am counting my blessings that my children and husband have remained healthy.

Trying to not focus on the inconvenience of our car dying but thankful that we have a car to borrow and may have found one to buy... not to mention the amazing donations to that fund.

You see my point?

My child is fighting for his independence but I don't want to start speaking out that he is naughty or that he doesn't listen.

I have not found the middle ground of acknowledging truth but not death.

Malfunction

2010-09-22T23:12:00.000-07:00

If there was every a time for my child to act like a complete mad man, that was it. With some of our dearest friends who have three (and one on the way) of their own. At least he picked a "safe" place to show true disobedience.

We are at a complete loss as to what to do.

No one warned us about this phase.

Dear friends, why did you not warn us?

Maybe they don't all go through this, but wow.

*sigh*

*heavy sigh*

Not a fun night. Not effective parenting.

Lord, please PLEASE give us wisdom and strategy.

I need to shut my brain off.

Good night.

Turning Two

2010-09-22T01:46:00.000-07:00

Sounding like less of a man today, which is encouraging.

The softball has gone back to the field and I am just with dryness.

Life is good.

No time to focus on my own discipline since I am so busy with the constant disciplining for my little boy.

I never understood this whole "terrible two" nonsense. I am, by no means, going to start terming it that HOWEVER I get it now. I understand the constant testing of boundaries. The fight for independence. All of those emotions and the uncertainty of how to express them.

Ahhh...

I keep telling myself I won't regret being consistent now. Instead, I will reap the rewards in the future.

At least that is what I am telling myself.. over and over and over!

Each stage has its challenges as well as it's rewards :)

Softball

2010-09-21T01:21:00.000-07:00

This is the perfect week to be drinking more water.

Had been fighting a cold all last week and only been out for walks. Feeling myself falling behind on my running schedule and wanting to get back at it I went for a run Sunday morning. As I was running I was bummed that my limbs felt like they had led in them. Thought I had just lost a lot of time between hectic schedule and fighting off a cold.

Almost immediately after I got back I felt like I had swallowed a softball.

Things went from bad to worse.

I have not been this sick since having the flu this time last year (during my trip to MI). That was misery with a bad fever, chills and lets not forget getting ill in a Walmart bathroom. Special.

Was blessed to have help with Keaka this morning and Kumu not having to work tonight, so I slept most of my day away.. and drank a lot of water.

Good thing I decided to keep things simple.

Feeling better already but realizing my body is obviously run down at the moment, so *tear* my running will have to wait until I am totally well.

Team Extreme

2010-09-19T09:20:00.001-07:00

All or nothing.

That seems to be my way and mentality, but if there is one thing I am learning, it is balance.

I should know better.

As a trainer, you always tell your client, "one step at a time". Trying to change everything at once is just setting yourself up for failure.

In this instance, it seems I am suggesting other do as I say and not as I do.

Miss all or nothing can't settle for less.

I set out to work out every day, have my house immaculate, achieve this, conquer that, and so on. But where is the wiggle room? What about grace?

This leads me to swing the pendulum from one extreme to the other.

Ate a slice of cake. Diet ruined; no holds bar.

What about baby steps?

Non-existant in my life.

It leads to feeling like a failure and constantly saying, "starting tomorrow". Those words I heard my dear mother tell me week after week growing up. All they do is leave me feeling weak.

Welcome to my attempts at breaking a life long cycle.

This week I am going for one goal only; drink more water.

If other accomplishments happen along the way, fantastic, but 64 oz each day here I come!

Rain Or Shine

2010-09-14T23:15:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to my journey

It seems I shut you out

I was overwhelmed with circumstance,

hopelessness and doubt.

I didn't follow through

Instead I ran away

Because I hadn't done it perfectly

I thought I couldn't stay

Then I finally realized

No one will even care

That I haven't done it flawlessly

If only I will share

The struggles and the triumphs

The bumps along the way

My life's a testimony

On any given day.

When It Rains

2010-09-07T11:24:00.001-07:00

If I could run away from all of my problems I wouldn't stop until I couldn't breathe.

BZZZZZZ...

2010-08-31T23:32:00.001-07:00

I am beginning to realize more and more that life is not about having the time, but making the time.

Things will always be busy. Schedules will so often be booked.

Life is full, but I do not want to fall victim to the "tyranny of the urgent".

Sometimes we just have to fight for the space to kick our feet up, go for that long run, or make that overdue phone call.

It saddens me when I realize that so much of my busyness is less to do with people and more to do with tasks. Why those I love and care for get pushed aside so I can feel I "accomplished" something in my day is beyond me.

Sick society.

Ha. :)

No. I will take responsibility for my own actions.

It's just that I am tired of saying how busy I am.

Because the truth of the matter is, we make time for what is important to us.

If I have time to check facebook, then I certainly have time to write my blog.

It comes down to what is a priority for us.

Many mornings I face the decision, go for a run or do my hair. Unless I know someone might be taking my picture that day I can almost guarantee I will be leaving the house with wet hair.. and even then I would probably run.

Because my love for running surpasses my desire to have my hair done.

That is where my priorities lie.

There truly are only 24 hours in a day, and a sista's gotta sleep sometime. :) Something is going to have to give.

Translation, my actions are a reflection of my priorities.

So, to all my amazing friends and family whom I have yet to call, write or whatnot. Please know I love you and plan to start putting you higher on my "to do" list. This busy bee is taking a break!

8 Miles

2010-08-30T23:46:00.000-07:00

No, not the movie.

Just wanted to share that I ran my "long run".

It is not like the olden days.

Kumu and I did a switch. I went out to run while he kept the kids and made dinner.

Almost immediately after I walked through the door he left to play basketball.

This left me barely stretching and moving like molasses with the kids. They were full gear, but we made it through.

It was a worth while sacrifice for both he and I to get our "me" time.

Decompressing

2010-08-29T23:43:00.000-07:00

It was a good weekend with family in town. Busy busy with an extra toddler running around. Things went really well... better than I had hoped or expected.

So much good came from this visit. I would say that our prayers of it being a weekend of reconciliation were answered.

The Lord is so faithful.

My brain feels a little fried and I have got to get ready for the week to begin, so pardon me as I go try to collect myself and assemble some order to my home.

I love being around people, but the older I get the more I realize that I need alone time to process and decompress.

Aloha.

Comic Relief

2010-08-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

Poor Leiahi caught the cold as well. With her being so little the congestion kept making her spit up.

After a particularly bad incident I called to Kekumu for help, asking him to bring me a new shirt for her.

He hands me a onesie that I start to put on... until...

I read that the cute little shirt says "Thursday".

"Um.... honey.... she can't wear this."

"Why not?" he asks.

"Because it's Wednesday!"

You can imagine how the conversation proceeded from there. It was quite funny, though we still have not determined if it was me just being "type A" that made me go get a different shirt myself.

Sure, she wasn't going out, but it was the wrong day.

LOL.

Sickies

2010-08-25T23:29:00.000-07:00

Coming home from the race to not one, but two, sick children was... well... interesting.

I wanted to sit and stretch.

Maybe eat and relax.

No such luck. Mommy life was put on hold for 10K , but resumed immediately.

A friend and I were talking about this recently. She was saying that once we get over feeling sorry for ourselves things get a lot easier. That's when we have the grace for our circumstances.

I have to agree.

I remember feeling very woe is me different times with Keaka. Not that I am exempt from these emotions now, but fortunately they come less often. Plus, I am now a bit more aware that I should not make agreements with the lies.

Instead, I speak the truth over myself and my circumstances.

Of course I can still reach my goals and run with children. My husband bends over backwards to give me the time to train. I have an amazing support group of people who believe in me and encourage me. Not to mention the amazing Bob doulie my keiki roll in on a regular basis.

Life is good.

I made my goal.

We will all be well in no time.

Jesus is still King :)

But a baby needs me so I had better run! (teehee)

10K

2010-08-24T23:38:00.000-07:00

Finished my race in 57:48.

It was fun - in a self torturing kind of way. :)

Glad I did it and yes, I am still proud of myself.

"If you love your children, take care of their mother."

2010-08-23T22:50:00.000-07:00

My husband makes an amazing sound board... and I mean that in the best possible way.

Maybe it's because he is a sound engineer?

Okay. Bad joke. Moving right along.

For whatever reason I decided, somewhere along the way, that after each baby/pregnancy I was going to run a race. I did not determine distance, just "a race".

After having Keaka, I ran my first half marathon.

He was almost nine months at the time.

I was glad I had done it and was convinced this was a good tradition to start.

The Honolulu Marathon looms larger than Diamond Head in my mind, so I was THRILLED when I learned of a race right here in Kona.

Long story short, I am running a 10K (6.2 miles) tomorrow night.

I am stoked.

It feels so nice to be out running again. Between a great double stroller and my husbands willingness to help I have been able to prepare for the distance.

What is weird for me, the girl who is never good enough in my own mind, is that I am proud of myself.

Strange new feeling for a Mel, so I will say it again.

I am proud of myself.

Leiahi will be a day short of 12 weeks, and I am going to run a 10k.

The problem is that I am so unfamiliar with this feeling, pride in my accomplishment, that I did not know what to do with it.

Thus my gratitude for my sound board.

Was I being arrogant?

Now we have sorted through this one and I feel I might have a grip on the situation.

It's good to be proud of myself instead of saying, well you missed this day of training or you could have pushed yourself harder on that run. Or you should not still look four months pregnant with all this running. And I am not telling you about the race to appear better than you, so that is hopefully not me being arrogant.

This is a new emotion so I am just trying to process it.

Anyway, I feel confident I can run the distance. How fast is yet to be determined and kind of not the point :) Of course I have a time goal, because I am still me.

It is a night race, so I imagine I will be pretty tired after, but wanted to share about it today so I could just pop in and give a quick update on it tomorrow.

Say a lil prayer for me :)

P.S. You like the quote? Saw it in a magazine and loved the brilliance.

Smell The Roses

2010-08-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

Here I am.

Maybe the only way I can move forward is to pretend I have not been absent for the last who knows how many weeks, take the tail out from between my legs and get back on my feet.

Never mind that time gap, welcome to today...

If life is like the seasons of year then I would say I am entering into spring. The snow is melting, which is nice in theory, but not always in reality. I grew up in Michigan. Not city. No where near detroit. Country. Think "lake affect" snow. And lots of it!

When the snow melts, it is kind of gross. It turns all brown and slushy.

What do you wear?

Boots or shoes?

It is this awkward in between time.

It has been so bloody cold for so long that you are temped to run outside in a Tshirt. But that is foolishness because it is only like 45 degrees.

You know new is coming, but it just is not there yet.

Flowers and new life are going to spring up... whenever this snow goes away!

Can you tell yet that I am not a fan of the cold? Hawaii is perfect for me. Once in awhile, typically around Christmas time, I will have a moment. An instant where I think it would be fun to bundle up in jeans and a sweater. Maybe dash outside and make a snow angel. Then the moment passes and I realize I would much rather sport a bikini on the beach.

But back to spring and the climate of my life.

Circumstances are currently like the brown slush on the side of the road. Things look a little grim and pathetic. It is no winter wonderland.

But I have to cling to the promise that new is on it's way. Flowers will breakthrough the cold hard soil and we will see the fruit of the seeds planted.

I have to cling. Otherwise all I have is brown slush, and that is downright depressing.

Instead I will keep looking each day for the sign of new life. Wait for the day I see green all around and things abloom.

I am so ready to stop and smell the roses.

Not Even A Note

2010-08-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of assumptions flying around here.

And you know what they say happens when you assume.

You do know what "they" say, right?

Right now, you don't look very good and neither do I. Too bad you don't even know who you are. They also say, "Fool me once and shame on you. Fool me twice and shame on me."

We will just be letting this one slide and live and learn.

Next time, clear expectations. Lay it all on the table. So there is no room for a plate of bitterness or a cup of resentment. Provide a better ambiance as well. None of that "I'm being taken advantage of vibe".

There you have it folks. I've said it without saying it. It is off of my chest and at the Big Guy's feet to deal with.

Just don't go assuming, cause you know what they say. :)

Where Do I Go From Here?

2010-08-10T08:49:00.001-07:00

Looking at the date of my last post causes me to cringe a bit.

Leiahi will be 10 weeks tomorrow and I am still finding my footing. My life at the moment is a bit of two steps forward and one step back (which I have probably mentioned before and is still just as true). We are not exactly loosing ground, it is just a slow process forward.

She is my second, so I should have known what the transition would be like... times two. :) Somehow I was ill prepared. Still, how can you really know what to expect until you walk through it.

I have never had so much on my plate before. Between our family transition, an expanding ministry and hosting company; life is full.

The thing I have discovered though... Life is ALWAYS full. There are always thing to keep us busy and pull on our time and heart.

A positive to this is my discovery (feel free to remind me in my moments of panic) is that He was being honest when He said His grace was sufficient.

We are more than making it through on my end. Life is busy, yes, but also very blessed.

What I struggle with this morning is the question of "Where do I go from here?"

My all or nothing personality looks at the goals and aspirations I have had for myself and sees a big fat failure. But that personality is softening a little.

When I had Keaka I changed a bit, and it seems to be happening again. I have given myself more grace in this time than I have ever managed. I am throwing off my inhibitions to ask for help. Instead, I hand the house guest the crying baby so I can tend to the toddler who is testing his boundaries... AGAIN.. LOL.

Did I set unrealistic goals?

I don't know.

Maybe?

I have not managed to blog everyday, but I have certainly wanted to.

I still want to accomplish everything I have set out to do.

Now I am just accepting the fact that things won't wind up looking exactly like I expected, but how can they when I was demanding perfection?

I am not ready to release myself from my commitments, but I am ready to brush myself off and try again.

Today I take on my toddlers new mantra...

"If at first you don't succeed, try try again!"

Quality Time

2010-07-28T23:09:00.000-07:00

I did not write a post because my husband was home in the evening after quite a few nights working, so we just hung out and watched a movie with our out of town company.

Hope you did not miss me too much.

Just A Thought...

2010-07-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

So I have issues with media.

Not everyone is affected the way I am. Please know I am not trying to put my convictions and current opinions on you.

I have talked about the media many times before so I will not beat the proverbial dead horse. What I will say is that I feel a bit like the gate keeper in my home and media is an issue for me, so it sort of makes it an issue in my home.

Part of the problem is that I do not just watch or read something and then forget it. Instead, I play and replay... AND REPLAY the scenes, scenarios and issues over and over in my head. So many times I will ask my husband if he was as bothered as I was. He has long since forgotten what I am even referring to. Not an issue for him.

For whatever reason, I am very affected by media. I happen to believe it is spiritual and that when I entertain with media I throw the gate open wide.

Thinking about this recently I realized something.

Never before had I understood how people can worship man made idols. How the Israelites make a golden calf themselves and then bow down to it. For example.

But here I am, obsessing over something I have seen. Or even choosing media over other things in my heart. Perhaps even making it an idol at times.

And who wrote those scripts? Who are the actors? Man. Man made things CAN so easily become idols even in our day.

I might not be melting my bracelets into cows over here, but there is to be no other god before Him.

Awkward Conversation

2010-07-26T23:41:00.001-07:00

Lately I have been trying to make a habit of praying when I am in the car. Normally it is just me and the kids driving along. I pray aloud and Keaka throws in his occasional "May-Men". (That's amen in case you were wondering.)

What I realized today was the tone in my voice.

It was awkward. In that moment, something occurred to me.

I don't talk to ANY of my friends like this.

Sure, I was not doing the, "And we pray God, that you God..." You know, when people pray His name almost every other word. As though He forgot who He was or as if they were reminding themselves to whom they were speaking.

I was not doing that, but I was awkward. It was not a real conversation. I would not talk to any person the way I was talking with God.

He is supposed to be our counselor and friend, but I would never talk to any counselor or friend like that.

It was not a rude tone, it was just strange. Almost unnatural.

God is so many things to us, including our creator and the maker of the universe. The UNIVERSE! But still, we ought to talk to him like He is our friend. LIke I am talking to you in this post.

Natural.

Uninhibited.

Unrehearsed.

Real and transparent... and perhaps with a splash of rambling.

You get the point, and so did I.

He wants us to TALK to Him.

Sometimes prayer does call for petitioning, but maybe the petition is more like when you ask your Dad to extend curfew?

Sometimes it's a plea for mercy or help.

Prayer can be so many things, but I found myself forgetting who I was talking to. Forgetting that He is my friend and He just wants to talk. Wants to hear about my day, my worries and my concerns. Wants to hear about what I am excited about and for. Beyond that, He wants to tell me the same. He wants to share His heart with me too, I just need to pause, take a breathe and let Him have a word in edge wise.

"Preach!"

2010-07-25T23:11:00.000-07:00

My wonderful husband was the guest preacher at our church today. He spoke on being zealous for God. I am so proud of him. It was a really good message and it seemed perfect for today. We had a group of young people visiting the congregation. They are involved in a two week youth camp. Ironically, I helped plan and develop this camp when it started a few years ago. It is now an annual thing on our campus.

Long story short, these teens are about half way through their experience and God has been doing amazing things in them. They led worship and shared testimonies before Kumu spoke. It was really inspiring to hear what God was doing and it was a great lead in to what he ended up sharing.

It felt like the message was almost specifically for them. Just remembering that God uses anyone. He is not necessarily looking for the Bible scholars. He just wants a people who put Him above all else and are passionate for Him.

I am wanting to put a link up on this page to the podcast, but not entirely sure how to do that yet. Will let you know if I figure it out. :)

They're GGGGRRRREEEAAATTTT!

2010-07-23T23:05:00.000-07:00

Received a box of goodies from Grandma today. Keaka had a blast in his new tiger outfit. Might need to wear this for his jungle themed birthday party... not until September, but I'm already making plans...

New Mercies

2010-07-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

A day with lots of highs and lows

Moving so fast and yet so slow

Tears and laughter all abound

But new ideas have been found

So don't give up and don't give in

Tomorrow we can start again

Club House

2010-07-21T15:36:00.001-07:00

Have you ever imagined your life as a reality show?

What is really so interesting about these celebrities anyway?

My show is like the Real Housewives of Hawaii. Except I am support based missionary living in a one bedroom ohana on a very strict budget. Aside from their wealth and extravagant way of life, I am just like them.

Right?

Okay, so money is not the only difference. But I wonder sometimes if my life is any less interesting than some of our favorite reality stars.

Hopefully there is a lot less drama, but entertaining none-the-less.

Today's episode would be title 'Club House' as I have rightfully been inducted into a new club. I have officially survived, endured and otherwise managed my first public temper tantrum.

I can actually see the previews playing in my head. We would have a ton of viewers. Like a car accident, people would not be able to help but to look.

Images of Keaka melting down in Target would flash across the screen. Pan to the cashier who looks pained and just wants us to disappear. Me laughing because that's what I do. I laugh in really awkward situations.

Please, don't feel bad for me. LAUGH WITH ME.

I should have known it would be an experience.

We were praying on our drive to the store when I asked for grace and patience. Heads up to any newbie out there. Don't pray for things like grace and patience unless you actually want to have to practice extending them!

We entered the store only to discover I had dried doo doo on my shoe.

Awesome. (Please be laughing cause I would be laughing if it were your story :)

We book it down an empty aisle in an attempt to be discrete. While I am using a receipt to make my fopa less obvious my son decides to start the experience by emptying my wallet into the shopping cart. "Laughing all the way... ha ha ha..."

And so the time began.

Sparing the gruesome details I will share the experience culminated to our final moments at the check out line. (Cue the disgusted clerk and curious onlookers.)

I'm having flash backs of every judgement I have made against parents when I was one of those curious onlookers. Won't happen again. No sir. Not after I have had my own initiation.

(Enough humble pie, Lord. I'm full.)

Child restrained, I managed myself to the parking lot. Buckled him in (still crying) and called my mother. Let her know I had received my new membership.

In his defense, he is cutting two molars and probably feeling rather miserable. Plus, it could have been worse. At least the innocent infant was fast asleep through the adventure.

Either way, this is good material. If House Wives ever makes it out to Hawaii, I really think I've got a shot.

Take Take Take

2010-07-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

It would seem that starting the day with the word, "CRAP!" would be a red flag.

*heavy sigh*

I slept through my alarm for the second day in a row, so I woke up frustrated.

Frustrated with no one but myself and my poor decisions.

Unfortunately, I am not the only one dealing with my frustrations.

"Fool me once and shame on you. Fool me twice and shame on me."

I am way past the shame on me part. I keep thinking over and over of Paul and his own frustrations...

Romans 7:18-20

"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."

Yes, I know I have quoted this recently as well. Like I said, over and over, hence the frustration.

In my mind, I am this disciplined person.

God has given me such clear goals and strategy to manage my life effectively. To function without feeling overwhelmed. If I follow the schedule I truly believe that I can "get it all done". Now I just need to follow it.

Where the problem lies is in the follow through.

Like that Seinfeld episode about reservations. (serious paraphrasing to follow)

Anyone can take a reservation. Take. Take. Take. It's the keeping of the reservation.

I can set goals like it's nobody's business, but without the follow through, I am just a girl with a color co-ordinated schedule. It looks pretty on paper, but in reality it is a total mess.

It's more than the schedule. It is the choices I am making to prevent me from following the schedule. That is where I am going off course.

My heart is crying out to live intentionally and to honor the Lord with my time.

My flesh is shutting down and wants to be put in time out. Wants to rebel against the direction and correction. Just wants the easy way out.

The easy way is not easy. It leaves me feeling empty. It makes me wake up frustrated and saying "crap" before anything else.

What a depressing post... sorry.

Leahi - 6 Weeks

2010-07-17T23:29:00.000-07:00

My 6 Week Pic

Photo Shoot

2010-07-16T22:53:00.000-07:00

We got completely sidetracked this morning making fun videos and taking pictures. (If you haven't caught on, Keaka LOVES electronics, so he helped me take all the pics.) It was a blast!

Probably not that entertaining to other people, but it melts my heart :)

These were taken on my "mommy morning". Kumu said he could hear us laughing in the outside room... over his guitar. LOL. It was so refreshing to throw my schedule aside for awhile and just have fun with the kids. No cleaning or distractions. I ignored the messes and just had fun with my children. My mommy time was shorter due to this, but it was well worth it!

Confessions Of A Missionary

2010-07-15T23:05:00.000-07:00

Today I have a confession for you.

Prepare yourselves...

My passport is still in my maiden name.

I have been married for over six years friends. And I call myself a missionary!

Kumu and I met doing missions. We were part of a school here in Kona. Of the eight months we dated, five of those were spent in different states or countries. These were before the days of skype and IChat, so you can imagine the phone bills. But that is another post entirely.

My last time out of the states was a two month stay in Japan, which is where I celebrated my 21st birthday.

Kumu proposed the day after I returned to Hawaii and I have not left the country since.

Poor Kumu. It sounds like I am blaming him.

Granted, we have not spent all six years in missions. The first three years we were working "normal" jobs until God gave us the vision for Elevated Music and called us back into YWAM. The last three years in Kona we have been laying the foundation of the ministry. Plowing away and pushing ahead.

Kumu did take a two week trip to Japan and Korea last year. Otherwise he has been US bound as well.

BUT that is going to change this fall when he records our first indigenous and international project.

Praying about that project with him this afternoon is when all of this came to the surface in my heart.

You see, we were praying about three other possible trips as well. They were all still within the US, but they were off of a rock in the middle of the sea. We felt God say "no" to all of them except the international project. That trip is the only one I would not be going on.

Please let me clarify that I am STOKED about this trip and the opportunity for the sounds of this nation to be captured. It's just that it reminded me of longing. My heart still cries out, "Here I am Lord. Send me!"

When Kumu and I first got married I remember informing him that I was not going to be one of those wives. You know, the ones who stay back with the kids. No sir. I belonged on the front lines.

Now here I am serving in Keiki (children's) Corner while Kumu is in a meeting with the founder of the International House of Prayer.

If you are beginning to wonder if I actually like being a mother, please look at yesterday's post. I do not find it coincidental that these emotions are stirred after I wrote what I did.

I love being Mom. I love the season I am in. However, there are still other desires in my heart.

Obviously I have come to peace with being that wife. Yes, the one who stays back with the kids. I know I won't always be staying back and in the right time and to the right place God will say "go".

Until then, I think I need to get my passport changed to my married name. LOL. I will be getting passports for the kids while I am at it.

Free Labor

2010-07-14T08:59:00.000-07:00

People have been asking me the best questions lately! I am hoping to respond via posts in the order which they were received. Sort of like the tickets at the deli counter :)

Lunchtime is notorious on our campus for being a bit... um... interesting. So close to nap time, the kids are tired and hungry. And lets face it, so are the parents.

Our campus eating area is like a big outdoor mess hall. We families all congregate down at the far end. Perhaps we are trying to contain the small children and spare the singles from any possible meltdowns.

Regardless of reasons or why it began, it can be interesting (I am going to keep with that word :).

At the end of one particularly interesting lunch hour I was asked by a man I view as my spiritual father, "So, do you enjoy this?"

By "this" he was referring to parenting, having children in the plural sense of the word. If it was most anyone else a simple, "why yes" would have sufficed.

But coming from him, I had to pause a moment and give an honest assessment of my current surroundings.

As I said, an interesting lunch hour.

Of course I love being a mother, but do i actually enjoy this?

My response, "Well, I want more if that is any indication."

We both decided this was a good sign!

I realize this was a simple question, but it has actually impacted me.

Since that day, when I am in the midst of other interesting moments I think about the fact that I really do enjoy this.

It is a blessing to be a stay at home mom. Certainly a day can feel less than productive when the most you have "accomplished" is changing a dozen diapers, but I guarantee more than that has taken place.

Yes, there are tears and tantrums but there are those other moments....

When big brown eyes look up at me and he tries his best to say "love you" which at the moment sounds more like "ah you".

Watching him turn anything he touches into a microphone.

Hearing him shout "maymen" (amen) while we are praying.

*contended sigh*

I have the best job in the world.